In The Final Moments....

It’s one of those times when random thoughts float into my head. It’s a night devoid of stars and the sky is so thick with dark clouds, I just know it’s going to rain. But the weather is still. No breeze or anything. Just there. There’s no power supply and I’m typing on a really low battery but I’m listening to instrumentals and I guess that’s the perfect atmosphere for random thoughts to float in.

But it’s not so random because it’s something that happened but I didn’t let myself mull over all this while. It was just an hour before my current time a couple of weeks ago when I saw the grim reaper sticking its ugly head to look at me. Again.
I was on my way back from an outing with my sister when the vehicle we were in swerved sharply to the left. I thought the driver was avoiding a pothole but in a split second, it occurred to me that there were actually no potholes so why was the vehicle still swerving, even as I felt and saw the vehicle begin to turn over.

In that moment, 2021 flashed in my eye. And the single thought in my mind as the vehicle was inches from completely turning upside down was, Again? Miraculously, the vehicle regained balance. The driver was too shocked to even apologize. The vehicle regained balance but certainly not my heartbeat which was roaring and my blood that was pounding in my ears.

No, I didn’t get injured, neither did my sister. Sprained parts of our body and limped a little back home but we were otherwise okay. The shock of what we went through and what could have possibly happened not letting us do more than turn to each other in horror and mutter I can’t believe it, occasionally.

It was different for me than it was, my sister though because few hours later, she was already laughing. But, I couldn’t. My mind kept replaying what had happened and the fact that I’d gone through that before. And it's the same thought that came to my mind this evening that forms the basis of my post today.

The final moments. That single second where your world that was otherwise upright suddenly crashes before you, what are your thoughts? I guess you may not know the answer to this unless you’ve had a near-death experience. I’d always thought you would have time to think, have time to brace for the impact. But, in that split second on that sunny day in 2021, I didn’t think of anything. I couldn’t actually because there was no time to. Some may be lucky enough to just go like that but others are unfortunately granted those few moments as their lives ebb away to reflect. Or regret. And I don’t know which is worse.

Since the pending accident was a bit slower to come to materialization before there was an intervention, I had the chance to let thoughts flash in my head. And I wonder, if the vehicle had fully tumbled, what would have been my thoughts? Would I think of the mistakes I’d made, the regrets I have, my family that would crumble from the loss? What exactly?

In the final moments, there’s a startling clarity. You have less than a second to fathom or even accept it. It’s just there. It’s a moment where everything suddenly becomes painfully clear. Painful because in that moment there’s nothing you can do about it. You watch it unfold and play out before you and then there’s impact or there’s nothingness and you feel the darkness overwhelm you.

I will say first-hand that it’s not something I would wish anyone to experience. But as I sit here and write, I just can’t help but wonder. Think of how life would have been for the ones I’d left behind. Because you don’t feel the loss when you go. I like to think you have bigger things on your mind in the afterlife. But those who remain are reminded of it every single day.

I thought of the guilt my Mom would have faced cause she asked that we postpone whatever we had to do but we had remained adamant, insisting that we had to do those things today. And how she’d blame herself for not insisting more. It’s a scary thought. That makes me feel bad even thinking about it but that’s what happens when you let your mind wander far.

I’m distracted from my reverie by my fast-depleting battery and a star I see peeking from the clouds. It’s faint and barely visible but it’s there. And it’s like a wake-up call not to despair because I’m alive and that’s enough to be happy for. Enough to have hope in. When there’s life, there’s hope and all that. But it’s true. So, I push the thought of final moments to the recesses of my mind. And search for happy thoughts.

Jhymi🖤

Image is mine.