Terrified Of Losing What Was Never Real.

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At 39, Helen was still unmarried.

In just a few months from now, she'll hit her 40s. Yet, all her siblings and relatives are married with children. Even Dorothy, her 22-year-old cousin, just walked down the aisle.

The room was dimly lit. She didn't care about the flickering light from the toilet or the shadows dancing on the wall. The ceiling fan spun lazily, she lay there, staring at the ceiling, her mind all over the place. Nights like this were the hardest-when the silence was deafening and the emptiness inside her was overwhelming.

She stared at the engagement ring on her finger, not with pride, but as if it were a cruel trophy, it had sat there for over a year now—cold, heavy, mocking yet, she couldn't take it off. Nine years in a relationship, and still it felt like everything was crashing down but by bit.

She should’ve ended the engagement a long time ago. But fear had gripped her. Fear that Marcus was her last chance. Her last hope.

Who would want to a woman without a womb?

“Oh God,” she whispered, clutching her hands tightly. “Please let it hurt less, I just need him to stop hurting me.”

Tears streamed down her face but she was used to this sensation. People said she cried like a child. No, Helen did more than crying, she wallowed in her misery like a wounded animal desperate for rescue.

The door creaked open.

She raised her head, eyes darting to the clock, A little past 4 am.

That's when her fiancé got back home. Chuckling on the phone, like he was having the time of his life.

“Of course, I couldn't get enough of you babe.” He said to the other woman on the line.

Helen's breath caught. He didn't even notice her.

He dropped his coat, still smiling.

The audacious mind of this man was uncanny. Him smiling like he wasn't breaking her heart right now was unbelievable.

He finally glanced her way “Hello honey, didn't see you there” Helen had to wonder what she ever saw in this man that made her waste nine years of her life on his ungrateful, trashy self.

She sat up, numb. Her voice was so low, calm— to calm.

“Oh, Marcus, she finally allowed you to come back home.”

“Helen, let's not start this, I have had a very busy night and I just want to rest, you know a man has to work to keep the family.”

There he goes again with his favorite narcissistic quote. Back then, she used to believe it and thought she understood him. Unfortunately, over the years, she realized it was his way of gaslighting her into staying silent about his dirty dealings.

“Oh, shut up, Marcus. You know what's stupidly annoying? is that audacity you have right there. You got your mistress pregnant and still have the nerve to come back to my house to sleep.”

He rolled his eyes like her words didn't nothing to him. “Helen, I've got an early shift. I'm not going to waste my night arguing with you over something that's clearly your fault.”

“Woah, my fault.” she smiled as droplets of tears rolled down her cheeks.

This man hurts her like it's nothing, like it's his second nature to do so, and she had clung to him, terrified of losing what was never real.

“After all it's not my fault you can't give me a child.” He said coldly “Linda is doing your job and she's doing it right.”

And that was the last string for her.

Helen was never one to resort to violence. But dear Lord, Marcus crossed a line when he said that.

“Get out of my house Marcus Andrew right this very instant.”

Helen wasn't just pissed, nope, she was royally pissed, she was about to explode.

C’mon honey, it wasn't that serious. Why you making a big deal out of nothing.” He tried to smooth her off with his words.

“GET THE HÊLL OUT! I can't give you a child, remember? Go to the woman who can! Now get out before I call the cops!” she wasn't having it tonight, it felt like something snapped inside her.

Marcus’s expression shifted “You are going to regret this Helen, mark my words, you're going to come back crawling and crying and I promise you I will not spare you a minute of my precious time.”

“Oh Marcus, I could not be more glad. Now, see yourself out” she scoffed, glaring at him with so much irritation etched in her voice.

He stomped towards the door, muttering something under his breath. Helen harshly slammed the door with every ounce of strength in her body.

“Shameless.” she whispered, then crumbled.

Nobody tells you how to handle such pain, especially when you have to do it all by yourself. “It's okay Helen, he's just another failed love interest, it's okay, I will be okay.” she mumbled to herself over and over again till she fell asleep.

One month later

She had not heard from Marcus, which was good she wasn't ready to deal with him. She had an appointment with her doctor.

She had broken down in tears when the doctor assured her that her womb was fine. There were complications, yes, but she wasn't barren.

Her doctor, Jackson, had been kind. He offered a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on. Over time, things progress into love interests.

Jackson was very handsome. He was Black, and Halen had never once tried to date a Black man. He was her first, and the experience was new, was different and it felt like a fresh start.

Two months in, congratulations pour in over her first pregnancy.

Three months later, Jackson proposed. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Jackson was intentional about what he wanted. And Halen became the center of his entire world.

Everything was finally falling in place.

Her baby bum was already showing, her new fiance was loving, and supportive. Their wedding was around the corner.

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“Babe! C’mon.” She called. “Mrs Smith won't show us any mercy if we're late again.”

“She'll understand.” Jackson teased wrapping his arms around her. “My wife's needs come first before anything. And my wife needed me in the bedroom. What man says no to that?.”

Helen giggles as he pressed a kiss on her forehead.

She was happier than before, glowing from the pregnancy__especially all the loving her soon to be husband was showing her.

Then came a knock on the door. Helen was the one who opened it— and there he was.

Marcus the narcissist. Holding a bouquet, all prepared to conquer the universe.

“Hello honey.” He smiled. “Lord knows how much I have missed you.”

Helen burst into an outrageous laughter. She laughed so hard, Jackson came out to see what was going on.

“Oh, Marcus,” She chuckled, “you always give me a reason to mock you. Of course, you’d come back to the woman who had accepted all your nonsense.”

Jackson stepped besides her, and pressed a kiss on her forehead, wrapping his arms around her waist. Jackson was overly protective of her. And boy! Did she loves the attention.

“I- Helen it was all a mistake.” Marcus stammered.

“Yes, a big one,” she said. “So how does it feel? To come back and beg? How does it feel to be betrayed? Not nice right, that's what I thought.”

Helen, Linda she deceived me and made me—”

“Oh we know,” Jackson cut in. Let's just say we heard from a friend of a friend who is connected to Linda that she wasn't carrying your baby….”

“And guess what? We also found out about your fertility issue. So all those years you of tormenting me, blaming me, lying to me and making me believe I was the one with the problem. It was you who had the issue."

She took a deep breath.

“And you refused to come to the hospital. Refused to be tested. And now, you walk in here like you own the place. Well as you can see I am very much pregnant for my man. So you can take the flowers back to Linda, I think she can accommodate it.”

Jackson's voice turned stern. “And if I ever see you near my wife, we'll settle this man-to-man. And you might want to back away, cause I am nothing like you Marcus.”

Marcus stood frozen, bouquet wilting in his hands.

Helen smiled as her soon to be husband took her to their car.

The fear of losing Marcus had taught her something, desperation can only ruin the best part of you and she had learn the hard way trying to please a narcissist.

~~•°•But right now, they have a wedding planner to appeal for not coming at the actual time they arranged.

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