Some Rant And Sadness

August 22, 2023

- R.D. Blackmore

My Sunday should have been sublime. The sun shone brightly despite the bad weather forecast. Although I was a bit disappointed because I was supposed to travel, I canceled it on Saturday evening when I saw the forecast. Little did I know that the sun would shine brightly the next day. Nonetheless, it was still good since I wouldn't need an umbrella if I decided to go out.

I woke up a bit late in the morning, which is my usual routine on Sunday. I just lazily tucked myself into bed while scrolling through Hive and my social media. Sunday is usually my time to be connected with my family, but something came up that arose unexpected commotions, and our family group chat was filled with feelings and emotions. Particularly on my part.

Some things shouldn't be shared in detail. One thing is clear, that day, I released my emotions over my family members, whose lives are directionless and goalless. They are those who rely on the support of others and don't act well for their future. I hate lazy people. I hate those goalless people. I hate those irresponsible people. I hate those who never think about helping the family, especially our parents, who are both sick.

Another thing that made me emotional was when my father said,

"I know and I can feel that I'll be leaving sooner or later."

I shut him up even though it showed disrespect. I know he won't be leaving soon. He may be sick but there are ways to prolong life. Some complications followed after her prostate cancer operation. And the only way to release his urine is through the aid of a catheter. Meanwhile, my mother will be needing a test for her cardiomegaly that caused other health issues and it will cost much. And as parents, they don't want to be burdened on us, especially since there are college students in our family. It pained me to imagine my parents' situation And I can't do anything to assist them personally, but only financially.

My older brother, who was there to calm the situation and comfort my father, was the only positive in the group that could hold emotions. Some remained silent, but I was in a rage like a parent who reprimands a child for committing a serious mistake. Until I could no longer hold them, I just let my tears burst out. I was glad I was alone at home, so I let myself cry out loud and release those heavy feelings and emotions until I got better.

I just let things happen until the commotion was gone. I left the group to clear my mind and regain my senses. Then I realized that there are things I can't control. And I probably overacted when I could just think calmly to solve the situation, just like my brother did. I sulked irrationally, which I don't usually do. I am patient most of the time. But when things get overwhelming, my emotions just overflow uncontrollably.

I stayed in my room, contemplating the recent commotion. Until my tummy complained, I went out for lunch at three. That was too late. After eating, I decided to take a walk to take a breather and clear my mind. I visited Art Lane to stop the musings and divert my thoughts to something better.

After that, I just continued walking, uncertain of where to go, like a lost soul. I rode a tram, then I found myself walking along the promenade. It was already night, and I just wanted to take in some fresher air, even though I knew I couldn't have it in the city.

Looking at the calm and scenic view of the skyline and the sea, my mood was getting better. People were passing by me, as were as ferries in the water.

At some point, I just wanted to stay still and look at the water, the mountainous backdrop, and the sky, hoping that they would clear my mind.

Sometimes I just want to be like the sky, unpredictable, yet not hesitant to show real emotions. It can cry when it needs to. It changes moods without hesitation. There is nothing to hide, and it is just showing its real character. Sometimes I just want to be a wave in the water, it's so free. It can be still, but it can also be wild, unstoppable. Sometimes I just want to be a mountain, it is conserved and full of hope. People pay respect to it. They would struggle to reach the top, but they would feel hopeful and grateful once they saw the beauty from above. I wish I could be like it, tall, proud, hopeful, and valued by people around me.

When it was time to leave and go back home, I dragged my feet back to where I started. I was uncertain if I was fully better, but I knew I was fine. I am a person who just lets things pass by, lets time heal the wound, and faces another chapter. At the end of the day, I have no choice but to accept reality, and move on.

As I got home, I was greeted with a warm hello by the young lady. But seeing her just made me sad. The only person at home who makes me smile and laugh will be leaving on the 24th to pursue her studies abroad. Until then, life here will be so boring with the oldies. No one would joke at me anymore. No one would make hilarious things just to make me laugh.

She often told me, "Your laughter is expensive, as you seldom smile and laugh."

Well, it is. I only laugh with genuine people. Thinking about her life abroad, I can't keep myself from worrying. Just like me, she's an introvert and doesn't like socializing with others. I just hope she will learn to be an ambivert. I hope she can meet friends there, so her life won't be boring.

Just like me, she thinks deeply and is lonely sometimes. Among the people in this house, I am the only one who knows her a lot, not even her mother. I knew her interests, favorites, dreams, and ambitions, as well as her hidden feelings, grudges, and sentiments. Because I am the only one who listens to her well when she needs someone to talk to and express her emotions with.

She's my sister abroad, not by blood, but by heart. If she leaves, I'll be left with the oldies, who never understood my feelings.

On Sunday night, we shared the same room, and we had some conversations while on the bed and waiting to fall asleep. We talked about life and random things, including the possibilities and circumstances that she might face abroad, as well as things she has to do and not do abroad. It was quite a long conversation, and I guess we fell asleep at about one or two in the morning.

Yesterday, although I was sleepless, which was obvious in my dark eye circles, we went out and visited a photo booth. We took some random poses, and the final photo is below. Just don't mind the last two shots, they were hilarious and random just for fun.

Two more days, and she'll go. I can imagine what the house would be like once she left — silent and joyless. Even though she's an introvert, she's crazy at home because it's the only place where she can be real. We truly shared common interests and personalities. It's easy for us to hide our real feelings and emotions because we don't want to be judged. I just hope she'll grow as a person abroad and learn to be socialized.

When I thought I'm already better, some bad news came up again. Just this morning when I opened my messenger, I read my sister's message which ruined my mood. My father is in the hospital again as his urine still has blood for a month now. I just sighed deeply as I don't want to ruin my whole day.

For now, I'll be dealing with these negative feelings until I can no longer feel them. I seldom express my emotions. So pardon me for this rant. Besides, that's the use of this community.

(All photos are mine)

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