The choice to love

Love is a beautiful feeling, or so we are told but I've come to see that love is in fact not a feeling, but a choice. I met Nathan when I had just completed my entire secondary school session, awaiting admission into a higher institution to further my education.

He was just the regular guy, tall, light-skinned, handsome, with hunched over shoulders. But he was not just the regular guy, he was a dance artist or what people called a contortionist. He could twist his body into unbelievable angles, make daring leaps, and even create seemingly impossible body movements. The first time I saw him perform at the arts and culture carnival, I 'fell in love' with him.

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However, it appeared to be just a childish dream because we were worlds apart and he didn't know I existed. Until Friday.

I like to think of that day as doomsday. From the moment I woke up late to my alarm blaring annoyingly to when I discovered I had run out of water and had to go across the street to get a bucket so I could shower, to when I left the house on an empty stomach, down to when I dropped at the wrong bus stop while heading to school, the entire day was a mess.

I had changed my mind about attending the carnival that evening and in fact was home already, preparing to take a shower and have an early sleep when my best friend Treasure called me.

"Tee, where are you?"The excitement in her voice made me groan.

"Home…"

"Wait, what? Are you okay?"

"Yeah…."She seemed not to hear me over the loud noise at the carnival so she promised to call me back. I sighed, got into the shower, and tucked myself in bed.

Twenty minutes later, I heard a loud banging on my door. It was 7:10 pm.

"Teeeeee! Are you sick or something?"Treasure sauntered in placing the back of her palm on my neck and forehead. I threw her hand off.

"I'm fine madam. What are you doing here?"

She gave me a killer look and headed straight to my wardrobe. I guessed but I didn't think she would drag me up when I fussed about being tired and drag me out of the house.

The carnival was awesomely infused with a rich display of both local and foreign artistic expressions such as dance, instant paintings, and costume displays. They even promised a full-stage play the next day.

Somewhere in the middle of the fun, I excused myself to get a drink. Despite the air being chilly, the body heat from the crowd made me dehydrated. I had just gotten a cold bottle of Coca-Cola when someone bumped into me and the entire bottle went flying. I turned angry eyes and locked them with his own, enlarged in shock.

"I'm so sorry, let me get you another bottle."I just kissed my teeth and walked away to find Treasure, I was going home.

I didn't realize he was behind me until Treasure nudged me in his direction, glee in her eyes.

"And so?"I mouthed.

"He's right behind you"

I let out a huff and turned back to him.

"Please, let me make up for back there. I'm sorry"

It was at that point Cupid's arrow hit me.

Nathan did not just get me a bottle of Coca-Cola, he got me dinner and drove Treasure and I home.

I don't know what else makes me attracted to a guy more than his being able to love and accept my best friend as much as he loves and accepts me.

It was a rush for us, the emotional part of the relationship. We were so interested in each other, so engaged that we forgot to stop and learn who the other person really was.

When I told my mom and she was skeptical, I assumed she was still seeing me as a baby and I refused to give her more information about us.

Meanwhile, Nathan wasn't based in my state. He came over to attend the carnival and spend some time on vacation, so 40 days after we met, he packed his bags and left. He promised he was always going to come visit, we would have endless video and audio calls and I wouldn't even notice he wasn't there.

He went through with it for 2 weeks before becoming 'busy'. It started with going for a day without a form of communication, then days turned into weeks and eventually, there came an entire month where we didn't even get to say "hi".

I asked myself where I got it wrong. I couldn't turn back to my mother because I had discarded her advice with contempt. Treasure was the one who made me stay that entire month with her reassuring words.

After that month when we didn't speak at all, I made the painful decision to stop loving Nathan. I deleted all his pictures on my phone, blocked all his accounts, and went through the detachment process, alone.

I realized that he had made a choice to silently do away with me and I in turn decided not just to let him go, but to only choose to love who I truly know if there was going to be a next time.