Weaknesses | MEMOIR MONDAY (WEEK 41)

A great lesson from my childhood was not to show my feelings in public. You had to play tough, no whining and complaining in front of others.

Every problem had to be solved by yourself. If another child offended or mistreated you, you had to deal with it yourself. And the best thing to do was not to talk about it with the parents.

With those life lessons, repeated at every moment, it was easy to learn to block emotionality, something that of course was done unconsciously without having the slightest suspicion of its consequences.

In my case the scheme worked perfectly, I learned to block my emotions, to share my feelings with my pillow in the solitude of the night. I became an adult without having good tools to manage my emotions.

For a long time this emotional block was one of my great weaknesses. And it wasn't that I had trouble relating to others, or that I was some kind of antisocial. Nothing of the sort. I have had the great fortune to be liked by others, there is something in me that facilitates empathy, and perhaps that is why I have never lacked a friend or a partner to be with.

However, this inadequate handling of my emotions has been the cause of conflicts in many of my relationships with family and friends.

It took me a long time to become aware that this blockage was within me. I had my first suspicions when I was thirty years old during a couple crisis. After that episode I began to realize that I had to do something, and I started to walk the path of getting to know myself.

I have been at it for many years, and today I think I have made enough progress to identify what is happening to me, to recognize the reasons for my joys and sorrows, and to allow myself the necessary space to live those feelings.

However, in this area I am never completely successful. Sometimes I am attacked by a bit of melancholy and it is difficult for me to know its origin, I spend hours with my spirits on the floor. But I know that I have already experienced it many times, and just as it comes at some point it will pass, the truth is that everything passes... I start looking for the cause and after so much searching I find the origin of my affliction, I let it accompany me for a while and then I say goodbye...

Another of my weaknesses is to be too trusting. It is hard for me to look at others with distrust. And although I know that there is good and evil, I like to think that goodness inhabits them all. I know that this way of thinking can be quite naive, but the truth is that I find it hard to go around doubting everyone around me.

Sometimes I think I'm unintelligent in this respect, because it's hard for me to learn. I keep trusting people who then come up with unexpected answers.

There is for example that acquaintance whom I hire for a job and he takes advantage of the first opportunity to keep part of the materials, or brings me inflated invoices, or simply changes the rules of the game halfway through, and in the end I have to pay him much more than what we had agreed.

It is always painful for me when someone I trust does things that are reprehensible or hurtful to others.

Deep down I think the problem is that I don't know how to see the signs that prevent me from the bad intentions of others. This is undoubtedly a great weakness.

We should all make an effort to know our weaknesses. Even if we don't know it, they are there and if we learn to manage them properly they will surely give us less problems.

I am publishing this post motivated by the initiative proposed by my friend @ericvancewalton, Memoir Monday, in the forty one week. For more information click on the link.

Thanks for your time.

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