Why Not Have It All?

Having watched the new Money Heist spin-off, Berlin (what a tremendous waste of time), I've been in a bit of a nostalgic mood for the original show, which I loved. So it stands to reason I'd crank up the theme song, which is in my opinion downright obsessive.

Why not have it all?

It's a question I return to with regularity, and one, I dare say, has brought me no small amount of misery in my life. Don't get me wrong, it's also been the driver behind many of the most fun, exciting decisions I ever made. A sort of YOLO in disguise, it's often prompted me to buy the ticket and take the ride, and anyone who knows me knows I haven't regretted any of the rides I've taken thus far.

But it is, also, the germinator of considerable anxiety. Not just for myself, but for us as a society, I think. I recently finished reading Alain de Botton's A Therapeutic Journey - a book, in his own words, about being unwell, but also about getting better. Structured as an actual journey beginning at the realization of mental illness, the book carries its reader through a long, patient, loving run of why things are this way, why that's okay, but also how we can change them. It's a wonderful read, altogether, and de Botton impressed me as a highly moving, gifted writer.

And in his book, the author comes to the conclusion that our endless ocean of choice is, in fact, the source of much modern misery. Because in a world where everything, every life path, every career, every bright future is open to you, how do you justify mediocrity?

In all fairness, it's what many of us are destined for. Where once in a blue moon, someone extraordinary comes along who does, true to song, get to have it all, and taste of all the delights in Eden, the large majority of us are fated to an unremarkable, average existence. Bereft of all those rare heavenly delights. Maybe without the job of our dreams, or the partner, or the house, or the lavish trip. Maybe a life that, while not terrible, is just good enough.

Linguistically, that ought to satisfy. After all, it is good enough. It is, by all accounts, a positive thing, to be good enough. Yet in our modern, 21st century paranoia, we've downgraded good enough-ness to a fate worse than death.

Hounded by the ever-present awareness that we could be doing more, achieving more, earning more, no fate is ever good enough. No promotion, no trip, no relationship. There could always be better. According to curious minds in the field, it is this illusion of endless choice, the possibility of there being something better out there, that accounts for the depression and ultimate failure of modern dating apps.

A common issue for the users of these apps is that the seemingly endless swiping creates in them the false belief that there are an endless number of available partners out there. So why settle for someone with their nose a little crooked, or a couple pounds fatter or skinnier than you prefer?

In the past, the mere fact that an opportunity had presented itself would've been a source of glee, and rightly so. Nowadays, though, we find it harder and harder to appreciate the opportunities that come our way, haunted by the thought that another, better opportunity might present itself.

It's what accounts, seemingly, for much unhappiness in the dating world, but also in the other areas of our lives. Living as we do in a streamline-obsessed society, there's always one area we're failing in drastically.

You need to have a good job, one that ideally, you'd advance in regularly.
You need to be in a relationship, one that likewise is meaningful and grows.
You need to watch your diet.
You need to work out.
You need to develop and nurture interesting hobbies to tell others about.
You need to listen to podcasts and seek to improve yourself.
You need to design the perfect sleeping schedule.
You need to develop an ever-growing social circle, so that you don't seem like a loser.
You need to do something creative, to nurture that part of your brain.
You also need to keep your house in good order, pay bills, handle boring, administrative duties.

And while all of these may seem reasonable on their own, put together, and thrown manically at the same person all at once, they're a recipe for chaos. One that invites you, rather than enjoying what you've achieved, to dwell on what you yet have to achieve.

Maybe you've found a good diet, but your sleep schedule has slipped, and now you're up at all hours. Or maybe you're doing really well in your career and your new relationship, but haven't been to the gym in months. What's terrible about our modern outlook is that, rather than accept these negative aspects as a given, we dwell on them, and inevitably find ourselves wanting, rather than thriving, based on what we lack, rather than what we do have.

Even worse, if we do tackle the elephant in the room, and fix our sleep schedule or the gym or whatever, something else inevitably slips, and we become concerned about that, instead. It's a never-ending cycle, and it's vicious because it always keeps us engaged in what's going poorly, rather than what's going well.

Since we could, technically, have it all, what's our excuse for not having it?

So while "Why not have it all?" may sound lovely in a fun heist movie, where indeed it is somehow possible to stick it to the man, and have reliable friends, and live on an island paradise somewhere with loads of cash and the love of your life, I don't think it's viable for our real lives.

And I think we need to stop thinking it is. Immediately, else we're slated for more and more sorrow.

It reminds me of one thing my therapist told me when we were doing this end-of-year goal exercise. She said you can have as many wishlist goals for 2024 as you like, but major goals, you only get 3 or 4, max. Any more, and it becomes untenable. That's because, even in this age of streamlining and multitasking, it's impossible to tackle major areas of your life like diet, social circle, work, love, home, etc, all at the same time. So you need to figure out, for the next six months, say, (could be less. could also be more.) which are most pressing.

And try having those. Not all. You can't have all. Because it's infinite, and if you keep chasing it, you'll keep suffering. Instead, if you say, I want the best I can or to get better in one or two areas of my life and then pursue that unrelentingly for the next half a year, then you'll see results, and you'll improve, indeed, and welcome so much satisfaction in your life. And when that's done, when you've set that area on a healthy path, you get to move on to another. Maybe you've finally got into a healthy sleep schedule -- good for you -- now that's not taking up active attention, maybe you can shift it to a better workout routine. And so on.

In the end, it may not be about having it all. It may just be about what you need most right now.