Wantful

... is not a word, but exists regardless.

It's a feeling. A state of being that you enter and leave less and less. All this while, I've distinguished things I thought worth pursuing, only to realize now it's not things I'm after, and I'm becoming increasingly convinced it's not people, either. Rather, it's this interim state of wantfulness.

Which often merges into wantonness, and lands us both into considerable trouble. I play with words to make them weigh a little less, afraid they'll check my luggage at the gate and have me pay extra for the things I didn't know how to leave.

I'm often struck by people who're able to speak of their desires like things that don't cower them. For me, always, desires have been tsunami-like in nature. It's not that I can't resist temptation. It's just that mostly, I don't really want to.

Despite all the things I've learned, I'm drawn to it - carving my existence inside this frightful magnetism. My life, the last decade of it, has been a fantastic mosaic of wantfulness. Of people, of names that did not belong, of trinkets to hang about mine ears. Of things. And yet, it's not the wanting I'll ruin myself for, but the state of abandon. This promise that I might, if I'm not careful, lose myself completely.

I like myself well enough, but long to get lost, also. I like to tempt fate, even though I'm getting a bit too old now and should know it's not worth tempting.

Does that make any sense to you at all, or is it just me?

"Stars, hide your fires. Let not light see my black and deep desires."

When people look at it and only see the tragedy, I tell myself they're not my kind of people. They're the sort that can safely exist within the confines of their clear-headed decisions and have always known how to do so. The people who stop. Whose desires are really nothing more than self-important whims and can, if needs be, easily be quelled.

Me, I understand finding something on the roadside and wanting it so desperately, you let yourself lose all. Even where you thought you were a good man only the minute before. I can picture losing good.

I picture being consumed by how your wants turn out. Being sorry for the many worthwhile things you sacrificed, and at the same time, not being sorry for wanting. Being ashamed, but not enough to stop you from going after what you want. No, me neither.

I am... wantful. Even if it means bringing this house down around your ears.

Enough words. Too much words. Music now. It's Tuesday. And @ablaze is always so wonderful. I read him then forget to comment. Lose my head. I told you so. Anyway, hiya!

I think the first time I heard this, I was 15 or 16. And I fell in love with it immediately. That growled ~

Make me wonder who's in charge

~ the essence of this feeling that I'm trying to describe to you. And failing miserably.

This, I only just found, but it sounds like how abandon feels like and I'm blasting it through the walls while we still got walls.

And this, a tethering.

What are you listening to? :)