Sacred Energy (still loading...)
When I decided to host a class on Thursday evening as opposed to my regular Saturday morning, I thought I'd do something different.
I'm still choosing who I want to be in this yogi world. I'm still experimenting.
The idea had been playing on my mind, and when I learned it would be a Full Moon tomorrow, that sealed it. I opted for femininity. I opted for chaos and depth. Still, it felt a little bit of a joke. I was (and am still) so deep in my masculine, still so deeply yang dominant, the thought of me hosting a femininity practice seemed ludicrous.
Except I'm not really at a point in my life (or my practice) where I can only just be teacher. I'd rather learn alongside the nice people who join me in these practices.
I chose Playful Goddess Flow as my theme for tomorrow. I'm selfish, I'm using this opportunity to better sketch what it means for me to sit with the Great Mother and honor my divine intuition. So...what does it mean?
What do I need to focus on more today to no longer foster dis-ease and discrepancy in my being?
1. I'm learning how to surrender without being powerless.
For the longest time, those things were not synonymous. And I spot myself sometimes, still, struggling with letting go without forsaking myself. It might seem obvious, but it's not. For me, and I suspect for many women, there's a need to be in control because that helps us feel safe. Except that leaves no room for trust.
Right now, I'm learning to trust. Others, but myself most of all. I'm learning there's power even when I, in the words of great Danes, let be.
2. I'm learning the rules of my own sacred quiet.
Chitter-chatter noise. Demand of me, on me, under me. Everywhere all at once. I think another typically feminine trait (and this isn't to dismiss, generalize or disregard) is a tendency toward overavailability. Towards letting myself be consumed. If I can give of myself enough, maybe eventually, the world stops asking. Except of course it doesn't. Nor should it. I must learn to live in stride with the world, and that means taking time to honor my own sacred quiet.
There are times when I should give nothing of myself to no one because if I do, then eventually, there is nothing left to give. It's neither helpful nor smart to play at martyrdom, yet it's in the DNA of many women to do so.
3. Take compliments, seek help.
I know, this is returning to a theme I wrote about recently. I struggle with compliments, as some people here will know. I struggle with receiving help because I can, and I'm scared of what might happen if I suddenly can't anymore. I've built an entire self on showing how much I can.
I'm still only just learning that letting someone help me doesn't contradict that.
4. My agreeableness is bound to kill me someday.
Overly agreeable people generally do not fare well. It's a curveball, especially for women who, by our nature, tend to be more agreeable than men, but sometimes it's really not a bad idea to learn to shout into the void back off, you slimy motherfucker.
For the simple reason that the world is full of slimy motherfuckers who will not back off unless expressly (and often repeatedly) told to.
As a teenager, I didn't have such trouble looking these fuckers in the eye and meeting danger with a raised head, but I've gotten a bit older now. There is an open challenge in the world, constantly, to women who insist on being disagreeable. But then again, if it came easy, we wouldn't be talking about it.
5. Working as a whole.
I used to approach life in fragments. I think many of us do.
My boobs were for aching, hiding, wishing different. My womb, seemingly endlessly, for safeguarding. Much of myself, chips for barter. Now, I spend long hours in conversation with my naked body. What are you saying?
It's not easy for me to know. It's not obvious. But still, I've started negotiating my life as a whole lately. It makes things complicated. Really. It used to be much easier when I was just a talking head. Or at least, it still seems like it, from time to time.
This might not be overly coherent, but these are the things I'm taking into my Playful Goddess practice tomorrow. Surrender. Quiet. Trust. Strength. Wholeness. Not because it's particularly marketable, but because this is what I feel my body most needs right now. And I've lived long enough to know I can't be the only one here.
Well, it doesn't really need to be that marketable. You simply need some two dozens of loyal peeps, don't you ;)
To think most people struggle finding one :)
Your honesty here is so grounding. What I really appreciate the more is how you're not just teaching but growing through the practice yourself.
The balance between "surrender and strength", "quiet and expression", it's something most of us struggle with, especially when we've been conditioned to always show up strong and always give. Up until now, I am still struggling to find a way to create a balance.
Wishing you a powerful and nourishing Playful Goddess Flow.
Thank you! I'm glad you resonated :)
The first time I've seen disease hyphenated, and I'm not sure I like it. It makes me uncomfortable and aware. It gives some extra reinforcement regarding the wholistic way in which the body does indeed function.
That's enough of a lesson for me to take away from these words.
Yeah? And here I thought I was abusing it a bit by now :) It is, after all, what is meant, I believe. And it's something that's been on my mind a fair bit lately. I'm glad you found something of use here!
I found myself in many of your features. Is that bad? It's real. Working on our self is good, but also accepting. The sea is sometimes peaceful, sometimes more furious and it will always be sea and some will love it and others not so much. But anyway, if your intention is to heal or transform something, the moon lends itself to that intention. Greetings
Always. I think it can be my conscious choice to change things, or else let myself fall into unplanned (and perhaps unfortunate) changes, but change is, after all, the inevitable constant, is it not? I'm glad you found bits of yourself here, since I think you're quite lovely! Always a pleasure to see you :)
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strong personality, a recipe for success
I draw many parallels between your world and mine.
I was once an agreeable man—fractured, scattered, screaming into the void.
But oftentimes, the moon reveals the beauty the sun cannot.
It seems you stand at an edge—
where control and surrender may be your soul’s way of remembering itself in a new light.
We, too, keep a sacred quiet.
A small ember that resists the noise.
You’ve described it beautifully.
The shouting into the void is no small thing.
Some dragons sleep until they scream.
And though the world tells us we are fragmented—we are not.
In you, it seems, the old knowing is returning.
A good post.
I will remember it.