good girl

One of the biggest lessons I've had in this life, especially in recent years, has been the great power and wealth that comes from building strong relationships with other women. I didn't use to be an overly girly girl. I was always a bit tom-boyish and animus-driven, always doing, always taking charge. Making fun a bit of girls around me who were girly or soft or precious in some way. It's always so inviting and easy to put another woman down, isn't it?

To look on her with disdain, to come out with snide little comments. To judge. I used to do that quite a lot. And I wish I could say something happened on a conscious level to change that. That something prompted a change out of my own genuine desire for improvement. Except, I don't know that's true.

I always found it easy and more attractive to try and impress men somehow. I guess it came with not having a dad around to be naturally impressed by me. It's a fun trick...for a while. But then you start detecting a certain hollowness to it all. And I'm not even talking specifically about bad men. Even kind, loving men... are great, but there's more to life than cross-gender relationships. Female friendship not only manifests in different ways, but supports and encourages a different side of you, one that even the best, healthiest, most conscious relationships with a guy won't. Which isn't to say one or the other. Just that you can grow in multiple ways, and I reckon you deserve to at least try as many avenues of growth as possible.

In a lecture by (the brilliant) Dr. Roy Baumeister, I learned that studies have apparently found that, on average, women fare a lot better single than men do. Not to say it's the ideal or universal state, just that studies have found that generally, women are better at filling their lives and just generally existing and flourishing outside of a relationship than men. These were studies done on single people, but also widows and widowers. Apparently, women found it easier to fill their world. When I shared these findings with people, my aunt for example, I got a loud and clear agreement. Hell yes. Again, that's not to say women don't need men, because I don't think that.

And I started thinking about it since I found it quite intriguing, and came to the conclusion that much of it may be related with the relationships we build around ourselves. Famously (a very hot and amply talked about topic right now), women lead more robust social lives and benefit from far stronger support networks than their male partners. We're more prone to visits, long chats over coffee, and human connection. It's how we're biologically (and anthropologically) primed.

Many women are peopley, maintain connection with all sorts of people (often other women) and thus end up more socially engaged. By engaging in these kinds of feminine friendships, women tend to feel more supported and ensconsced inside their own "tribe", and seem more firmly aware and open about their experiences and emotions. In a very real sense, we need validation of our expeirences as a woman (or as a man, for that matter) by other biological females.

In which case, it doesn't really pay off to go about trying to impress men. Or judging or being snide about other women. It doesn't make sense rueing the other sex entirely, either, but I've found as I've grown:

• it's always smarter to err on the side of your own gender (in as much as there are sides, you know). In other words, I would much rather give a woman, even an unknown one, the benefit of a doubt and some kind of base trust, then assume her a bitch making the life of a man some kind of hell;
• it's wise to try and negotiate your relationships with other women irrespective of their male counterparts or go-betweens. I've known by now enough women who've had the waters of heartbreak, hurt, betrayal or plain bad luck wash over them, and still remained standing, and what's more holding out their hand to me. Men, less so.
• it's extremely foolish to start defining yourself by your relationship status "in the face" of other women, or abandoning or overlooking female connection for the sake of awed males. It's fun, but it fades a whole lot quicker. I've spent the last week chatting with all sorts of girlfriends who reached out for my birthday, and being floored by the connection and genuine positive feeling that exists within those relationships - some after months, some after years. Emotions I cultivated intentionally at the time. Which isn't to say I didn't have my share of dalliances with suitably impressed or aroused men. I keep thinking what a fool I would've been, to put aside my female friendships for all those transient men.

Again, the sentiment isn't one against men, but one that's increasingly, overwhelmingly for women, as some may have picked up in my recent posts. And I wanted to share. I came across this very interesting and moving video while cooking that I resonated with and sent to a couple of girlfriends, as well.

And thought I'd mark this week's #threetunetuesday, also, in honor of this sentiment.

I found Paris Paloma by accident, since she's opening for Florence on this EU tour. Sadly, won't make it to this one, but I was really grateful for this find.

Another random find, but I really dug their sound, and the ethereal, moody vibe of this girl.

Easily Halestorm's most feminist album, in my opinion. What a joy to find it for a fraction of its original price a couple of weeks ago. A sign, I thought. A pittance for its worth. A way to mark, perhaps, a new era in this life.