Can I tell you a secret?

I like too much to play. I'm drawn to the game, and when I snag myself on errant look, I can't resist. I want so much, and like knowing I'm wanted. I'm grateful I'm alone. I know I couldn't explain to no one, the way I like to tempt fate.

One look is all it takes.

But it can't be just any ordinary look. It's indescribable, unbearable, divine. It's a look that's both question and answer contained in the same brief second, and I live for them, I relish them. My little stolen moments of cat and mouse. I'm Cat. Always. And when they meet me, men like to ask. Why Cat. Go for the first and most obvious - I must have one. Must love them, except I don't. I don't get along with most cats and I've tried a long time to figure out why. Have I bad energies? Am I a foul, untrustworthy sort of person? Or do they just sniff me out, intruder that I am among the humans, my mission to play and to torment in equal measure?

Can't say I chose him, not exactly. Nor am I sure he chose me. See them looking and sometimes I just can't help myself. When it flows, it's one hell of a game. Chase each other across the aisles, eyes to catch my curls on, only just dried. I'm a mess when I come out of the shower, but that never seems to stop them. Out of the shower mistranslates into out of the bed in certain languages and they read that in me, my languor.

Yes. Yes?

Is the possibility of it as satisfying as the act itself, or more? Is all we long for to be desired by another? I play because it's innocent, harmless. Or so I tell myself. What's the harm in letting someone know? Except that's not it, really. Between you and me, I play with them because it's fun, and because I can't help myself. I tell myself I could, and if I tell myself enough, it makes what I'm doing feel less than. Less bad.

I'm told good girls know when not to leave their seat, but I've never known. I never even knew until very recently you were supposed to stay in it.

It's just a tease. It's nothing more than a game, and who says grown-ups aren't allowed to play?

But what if it turns into more than? Don't you worry? Aren't you afraid?

And I never know how to answer these kinds of questions, except to say that's precisely the point. Any child will tell you that in order for games to be fun, they need some kind of risk. Balast to pull against.

Like recognizes like. I flash him a smile from behind my mess of hair when I go past. It's a dirty smile. And we both know. We're bound in knowing. And it's one of the most exhilarating games in the world.