Asking to have your needs met isn't a confrontation.

Many of us live under the impression that in order to be happy and assert ourselves in a relationship (romantic or not), we must proclaim ourselves as top dog. We need, in the rough-n-tumble of any new interaction, come out the dominant person, otherwise, we deserve to have our needs and desires trampled. Obviously, few will put it in such blunt terms. When confronted with such logic, they'll say no way that's how they think. And yet, evidence in their relationships points to the contrary.

Having your needs met has been on my mind over the past couple of days. I used to be someone who was all too happy to have their needs and values trampled, if it meant I could cling to some fragment of attention and desire. In the words of Warren Zevon,

All you have to do is ask
I'll be happy to say yes
I'll put on the creepy mask
If you'll grant me some forgetfulness

And I think many of us operate like that. People who didn't get the love and attention they needed in childhood, certainly, are more prone to hiding their emotions, and ignoring their basic needs, if it means someone will stick by them. Except that, of course, isn't a very healthy outlook.

I'd started seeing this guy recently, but noticed some inconsistencies in his behavior. Nothing major, he just didn't seem to have as much availability as I would need from a partner, and after a bit of consideration, I let him know this. Now, a lot of online discourse praises openness and honesty, especially in early dating, but past experiences had made me a bit apprehensive. Much as I didn't want a confrontation, I geared up for it, all the while maintaining a non-aggressive, non-blaming tone.

I didn't come in blasting him for being an asshole. That's the tendency, I've noticed. In our drama-addicted lives, we immediately inflate a minor inconvenience to the level of a full-blown argument in which (surprise-surprise) we're never wrong.

Except I don't think that's a very helpful approach, so I've ditched it for a while.

Luckily, the guy wasn't exceedingly confrontational. He was a bit miffed, and did tell me he didn't like explaining himself. It was clear he was coming from a confrontation-oriented past experience, which had turned his tone vaguely to an argumentative one. I calmly let him know I wasn't asking him to, but nor was I going to accept a behavior that did not sit well with me. Perhaps his behavior would be justified in some other scenario, but for me, I knew it was not what I wanted, going forward.

I was pleasantly surprised when he reached out again today (innocent enough), as I wouldn't want future meetings to be awkward (he's a fellow dancer). I'm also aware men (people, in general, really) tend to respect more those who behave with integrity and respect themselves than those who don't.

It created an interesting contrast with a friend of mine who's been struggling with serious back pain that refuses to let up. I suggested it might be somatic, and she confided her boyfriend kept throwing things in her face. It's not something new. It's how he has behaved ever since she's known him. So, for years now. He's someone who has profound communication issues, and absolutely refuses to work on them.

It is what it is. It is the stage he is at in his life right now.

However, I pointed out to my friend that constant conflict with a partner can be a telling sign for people constantly struggling with physical pain and ailment. Also, that a non-communicative partner is not very fortuitous going into the future together, to which she texted back a couple of resigned emojis. Essentially saying "what can you do, it's my fate".

Except that's just the thing. It's not your fate. You have the ability and moreover, the right, to ask to be treated with respect and understanding in a relationship, particularly a significant romantic one.

My friend, I know, has a deep aversion to conflict, and is no doubt wary that should she bring these things up with her partner, conflict would arise. It would. He's a deeply volcanic person. But that doesn't mean she needs to stay in that conflict, or fuel it. Nor should it mean that she lets her needs be trampled simply to avoid conflict.

Sadly, the things we don't say, the ways in which we let others (even well-meaning others) abuse us, will come back to haunt us. Often through illness and ache. Certainly, furthering the emotional and psychological turmoil that leads to such poor life decisions in the first place.

Of course, conflict is a two-way street, as is every conversation. In other words, you can't dictate that the other person won't throw a hissy fit or start arguing with you when you ask for common decency, respect, or point out something unfair or wrong in their behavior. You're not responsible for that. You are, however, responsible for not furthering the argument. Many of us tend to, when the fire starts, feed it with our own little snide comments and outbursts, but we don't necessarily have to. You're also responsible for getting your needs met, as a grown-up. In this case, for refusing to stay in a baseless argument that's draining your energy, and triggering your past trauma.

Could it result in conflict? Yes.

But if a person loves you, or cares about your relationship, they will seek out ways to resolve that conflict. They will, once an initial surge of panic and rage blows over, find ways to talk rationally, and to find a solution that allows you both to move forward. They don't always. Sometimes, they just yell till they're blue in the face. But that tells you something important, too.