A SILENT STRUGGLE ; THE WEIGHT OF EXPECTATIONS

Life's cruel curveballs knock the wind out of you, leaving you drained and drowning in sorrow. Survival becomes the only goal, as each day blends into a joyless, loveless existence. The fire that once fueled your passions dwindles to a faint spark, leaving you feeling empty and hopeless. Suicidal thoughts creep in, accompanied by crippling anxiety, making it hard to find the strength to keep going. Despite the desperation for a lifeline, no help seems to be enough, leaving you feeling lost and alone in the darkness. Unmet expectations, ingrained from a young age, can slowly erase one's true identity, leaving behind a mere shadow of their former self. For many, this existence is marked by relentless nightmares, paralyzing fear, self-loathing, and a profound lack of self-love. They're trapped in a life they never wanted, forced to endure it as their only option.

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"I'll never forget a remarkable individual I had the privilege of meeting, whom I'll refer to as my friend. For as long as she could remember, her dream was to become a medical doctor. She had devoted herself to achieving this goal, pouring her heart and soul into preparation and prayer. Finally, the day arrived when she received acceptance into medical school. However, instead of basking in the excitement of this accomplishment, she was consumed by anxiety about the future. On her first day of class, she couldn't shake off the feeling of inadequacy, wondering if she was good enough. She felt intimidated by her peers, who seemed more articulate, polished, and confident. These doubts swirled in her mind, threatening to overshadow her achievement.

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"As classes progressed, my friend struggled to keep up with her peers. Whenever a question was asked, everyone seemed to know the answer, while she was still fumbling with her calculator. Each day, she felt like an imposter, as if she didn't belong. The whispers, snickers, and sideways glances from her classmates chipped away at her confidence, making her feel like she wasn't good enough. The pressure became overwhelming, and eventually, she felt like she was folding under the weight of her doubts. But here's the thing: I never saw her the way she saw herself. To me, she was one of the smartest people in the room, deserving of her place in medical school. She had worked tirelessly to get there, overcoming countless obstacles along the way. All she needed was to see herself through my eyes – to recognize her own worth and potential. If only she could have seen that she was capable of finishing what she started, and that she was worthy of achieving her dreams.

I thought my pep talks were having a positive impact, but unfortunately, she still struggled to find her footing. She failed her first year of medical school, which sent her into a tailspin of emotions. All her deepest fears and doubts seemed to be confirmed,she felt like she wasn't good enough, and she began to withdraw. For six months, she avoided the school premises altogether, only returning when it was time to retake the exams she had failed. But then something remarkable happened – she passed. I thought this would be the turning point, that she would finally recognize her own strength and abilities. But, as it turned out, her journey was far from over."

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Despite passing her retake exams, her second year of medical school proved to be an equally daunting challenge. She struggled to get things right, from minor oversights in class to careless mistakes in labeling. These errors, though seemingly trivial, weighed heavily on her mental health. Despite her best efforts, she continued to falter, and the constant sense of failure eroded her confidence and self-worth. Tears became a nightly ritual, as the shame of being a year behind her peers threatened to consume her. The pressure to catch up and keep pace with her classmates seemed insurmountable, leaving her feeling lost and uncertain about her future in medicine.

The cycle of struggle continued, and she faced another disappointing outcome: failing her second-year exams once again. The prospect of repeating the year for a third time was too daunting to bear. Feeling defeated and demoralized, she made the difficult decision to leave medical school behind. Seeking a fresh start, she transferred to a different department, hoping to find a new path that would bring her a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

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"A new department brought new faces and a chance to start anew, but beneath the surface, the same underlying issues lingered. The problem wasn't her inherent worth or capabilities, but rather the suffocating tie between her self-worth and academic achievements. The unresolved baggage of not completing medical school continued to weigh her down, perpetuating the debilitating narrative that she wasn't good enough. As she embarked on this fresh start, the unresolved emotions and self-doubt made it challenging for her to truly move forward, leaving her struggling to offload the burdens of her past.The stigma of dropping out of medical school continued to haunt her, casting a long shadow over her subsequent years of study. Ashamed and fearful of being judged, she concealed her secret from her fellow students, shouldering the burden alone. The weight of her perceived failure led to a relentless cycle of self-criticism and self-loathing, as she struggled to reconcile her past and present selves.

As I reflect on her journey today, I wonder what experiences led her to tie her self-worth to a degree. How did she endure the silent suffering, hiding her pain behind a mask of strength? It's astonishing that she persevered for ten long years, carrying the weight of her struggles alone. Yet, in the end, she emerged stronger, and today, we walk hand in hand, basking in love, grace, and gratitude for the beautiful life we've built together.

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