Reminiscences, memories, tears and lots of love

This weekend - Saturday, Sunday and into Monday - was one of the most intense and emotional times - since The Husband died. I knew it would be bittersweet. What I didn't know, was how cathartic and healing - weirdly - it would be.

M and I, have been friends since before I met The Husband. He and J were not married at the time. One of the things that connected us - then - was our respective determinations never to marry again.

The bond between M and I, and then J and The Husband, is inexplicable. It goes back 25 years and for much of that time we've lived, not just in different countries, but on different continents.

We spent time talking about what happened - how The Husband fell ill, and what unfolded. Don't let anyone tell you that those of us who survive - yes I use that word - are not traumatised by watching you loved ones suffer and die. I am. There is a lot I can never "unsee". Talking about it - even two years later - makes me go through it all again.

I live knowing that the last 37 days of The Husband's life were a living hell.

For someone who was active, loved being outdoors, wide open space and fresh air, being immobile and sometimes restrained - yes, restrained - and unable to speak: hell.

He suffered it with an unimaginable grace that still makes me weep.

All four three of us wept - often - over the last few days. We felt The Husband's presence.

I, in more ways than one. I had asked my friend and Clever Girl, to turn three of The Husband's shirts into a dress for me. She did and aptly, I wore it for the first time on Sunday.

Then, on Sunday evening, M, J and I were joined by part of my McGregor posse. It was good. They met people who had known and loved The Husband as long as I. M & J got to meet the people who continue hold me.

I took no other photographs. The first, I took from my bathroom window. For J who misses bougainvilleas when she's at home.

Saying good bye was difficult, but easier because our friendship is all the more deep for the shared life - and experiences. And knowing that this friendship transcends time and distance.

Until next time

Post script

I blog here, on Instagram and via WordPress to my own website. I write for love and a living and you'll find out more about that here. Content for the first two, and sometimes the last, cross pollinate.

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Original artwork: @artywink

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