A Sprinkle of Both

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If you had asked my younger self this question, she would have said I was the silent one, but my older self knows better not to disagree with my younger self because she knows the truth, my older self would tell you that I could be both two depending on the situation.

This is the new me, the one who has trained herself to not do things the conventional and not think the conventional way. As I grew older, I realized that my younger self was the silent kind of person when angry due to her environment and it became a pent-up anger, I became a timing bomb waiting for the right time to explode which always resulted in physical abuse to whomever was the reason for the explosion or damaging of anything I found around me.

I remember my young self and how surprise was always registered in the faces of those who for the first time saw my aggressive side due to pent-up anger, due to my being silent and they always wished not to get on the bad side of me, and I saw people walk on eggshells around me because they couldn't tell when I was angry and couldn't know when I will decide to explode.

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My young self was not good with expressing myself with words, she preferred to listen than talk, she preferred to talk less, listen more, and watch more. She hated engaging in arguments because she felt it drained her emotionally, mentally, and physically, so whenever there was an issue that warranted her talking, arguing, or exchanging words, she preferred to walk away, but it didn't always end well because she could decide to show her anger another day when the person least expected it, most times it could be from very trivial issues that didn't even need her overwhelming reaction over it but she would because she already had too many pent up anger with that person. She was a silent one who expressed her anger with violence. I know several people who can testify to me being the silent one when angry but causing havoc even when you least expected and they are most times shocked at our older self now handle anger.

As I grew older and worked on myself, I became someone who expressed her anger in the way she felt without holding back, she expressed with words because I realized what the latter caused me and I realized that I was doing myself more harm than good because I became an unforgiven individual and an individual with a touch of aggressiveness. I never always get certified until I have harmed the person involved or broken something.

So, I learned to express my anger no matter how difficult it felt for me at that time, especially if I was angry about something, but then, the funny thing is I still have the tendency to be silent when angry but that is always an extreme case. My decision to be expressive or silent when I am angry now is due to the nature of the issues at hand, the reason for my anger, and the individuals involved. I could choose to be silent when I am angry about a particular issue and choose not to over another issue, it just has to do more with the reasons for my anger and the person involved.

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I am still the silent kind of person when angry but when I am angry with someone and choose to be silent, it's only because I am planning my revenge or payback check for the person, it is something I always say, especially if the issue hurts me so badly. And if at a point, I tried as much as possible to express my hurt to someone who hurt me and the person feels having self-defense is the best or trying to play smart or giving a flimsy excuse for their actions is the best, I would go silent, but then, silent only means I am coming back, I am giving you a dose of your medicine but in a way, you will never see it coming or understand how it happened, because I would be preparing for you and watch you take your pill with a squeezed face and I, on the other hand, give a devilish grin at you

I understand that nobody is perfect but I also say it, don't use that as an excuse to hurt people and feel they don't have the right to react anyhow they choose. An incident happened between a young man and myself and I was angry, but decided to walk away. The funny thing is, the matter was reported and everyone saw that he was wrong but he justified his actions and after a few days, he came into my Dm to apologize, I saw the apology and gave no reply to him. Now he is angry that he came to my DM to apologize and I did not respond to his apology when I was asked about it, I told them person that the young man had no right to tell me or expect a reply from me because he came into my Dm to ask for an apology.

The fact that it took him days to realize that his actions were wrong even when people told him he did wrong, is more reason why I choose not to reply to him and I intend to take days to think about the incident before I give him a reply and I am not sure I am ever going to give him a reply because, for that situation, I have decided to be silent about it. I know I was angry, about the situation because he disrespected and embarrassed me.

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I have other issues where I have gone silent about the incident and moved on like nothing happened, while I have other situations where after expressing myself and realizing that the person doesn't deserve such time, I have decided to go silent. It's a matter of the reason for my anger, the situation, and the person involved. The thing people don't realize is that those who are silent when angry are more dangerous than does who are expressive, they could go to any length to prove a point or go to any length to show you how angry they are at the moment which usually results in violence.

I have many experiences and unforgettable memories of my silent self when angry, and I have memories of my expressive self when angry, but I always prefer to be my expressive self but due to most times human character and nature I always exhibit my silent self when angry because it helps them realize that everyone is humans and has feelings and of course, blood flows in their body. People are mean, and those people deserve my silent self but my new version of silent self when angry who loves to pay them back for their deeds.

I know you must think, "But you are not perfect" Yes! I am not, but if there is something I am always conscious of it is not hurting someone intentionally because I have been in the receiving hand and know how it feels, but it saddens me to see people hurt people intentionally and feel like the other person do not have right to react however they choose. Being silent or expressive when angry is a matter of the situation, the reason for me being angry and the person involved.

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This post was inspired by the #inleo community and my entry to the #Februaryinleo monthly topic on Day 11. Please check out the prompt
to get involved.

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