Two To One (LOH #225)

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I tend to tread lightly when discussing boundaries with fellow Nigerians because many won’t understand what it means. I heard this lady during a radio show asking for the man to give her some privacy sometimes. Apparently, they have been dating for two years and he rented an apartment for her so she would leave the slums she was in. However, two years into the relationship, he started showing up unannounced and being very invasive especially when she just wanted to rest. The day she finally raised the issue with him, trying to let him understand that there are days when she just wants to be alone, the guy got angry, accused her of cheating and told her she can leave the house he paid for.

Now, with the current situation of this generation where men and women are at war with each other, a lady presenting such a request to a man who is not empathetic and thoughtful is just like carrying a big neon sign saying she is cheating on him which may not be the case. As a lady, there are days I don’t want to talk to anyone, even my boyfriend. We have had this conversation more than once and he understood that I need my space on some days. He doesn’t try to suffocate me or make me feel bad for not reaching out. Instead he asks what the problem is and how he can help because he understands. As a man, I know there are things he won’t tell me and I respect that. He is a Man, and some issues are better left addressed alone. I don’t nag him about everything even when I feel the urge to because I know that would cause more harm than good.

When it comes to privacy, I believe boundaries should be set. I don’t go through or even think about going through his phone. Why should I? I trust him and if there is something I feel unsafe about I will make it known to him and trust that he genuinely cares for my well being. This is why I scroll past those silly street games where they ask each other to go through their phones for millions of people to see. That is a no no for me. So when I come across men and women that feel it is perfectly fine to go through each other's phone, I keep mute and mind my business. Not only does going through my phone speak loudly of your lack of faith in me, it also shows your lack of respect for privacy. I can’t keep company secrets with such a fellow. Now, I’m not saying you can’t go through your phones but there must be an understanding.

Then when it comes to independence and togetherness. I remember telling my partner I wanted to travel for some alone time, to clear my thoughts and just be with my fellow girls. He suggested we go together as he needed to run business there too, but I wanted to go alone. I craved it. I made this known to him and he was welcoming. Encouraged me to do what I needed. No pressure. No guilt tripping, just a man who understood his woman and what it was she needed. It was rare because every man before him would always make me feel like a bad person for wanting some alone time. It took a lot of courage to even make that request and I braced myself for his change in attitude and maybe a scathing remark or two (what trauma can cause) but no, he was different.

I feel that two can work together when they need to and work alone when they need to. My partner and I were talking over the phone last year and we came to realise that we needed to grow as individuals. The honeymoon phase had ended and we had to put in the work. This was when I got to fully understand that saying about only being able to give what you have. We worked together but we also understood that we were different people who each had dreams and goals. We also understood that we needed to face life on our own sometimes, and that not all days would be rosy for the other person. Sometimes, one person shows up more than the other. We also understood that growth is personal and offences are just temporary. Sometimes, working alone means you have to depend on the other for strength, it's just like having that one friend in your corner who is always rooting for you, that one person that just brings the shine to your cloudy life.