The Weight of Anxiety.

I have always found myself in precarious situations. Sometimes self made and other times, I just get roped into things I had no idea of. Many times it’s always self made and many times those situations are related to my finances.

I always want to do things but then when you are a twenty-something with mouths to feed and very little support, it gets more complicated than you know. Add the fact that you’re a woman and in a third world country and you have quite the problem. However, it’s not always a problem.

So, many people already know I’ve been reading more into my Bible and what’s there to do anyway? I came across a scripture which went like this, “can anyone of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”

Those were the words of Jesus to His followers. Now, on a surface level, He might be spewing religious ideas and supporting the whole Trust In The Lord message. But if you look deeper, it’s a lot more than that. Just like in the life of the Israelites, some of the laws out of the 613 (if I’m not mistaken) were more than just pleasing God. In a time when technology and medicine were not really available, the washing of hands, washing of food was not just to prevent them from filth but from falling ill — that’s how I saw it anyway.

Then move to this talk about anxiety. Seriously, I wondered, what does worrying do except amplify your problems? What does it do rather than manifest your greatest fears? Worrying hasn’t helped me in anyway, still that doesn’t mean I don’t feel the weight of it. I am still a young woman after all and I will worry especially when things look like they are spiraling beyond my control.

Let’s move further. There’s a reason anxiety isn’t seen as a good thing. Anxiety itself stems from the fear of what’s to come or to be more precise, not knowing what would come. The fear of the future. It’s all we can think about. Many people don’t have the luxury of a secure life and so we have to create it. On the way doing this, we many times lose sight of what’s happening in the moment and get lost in worries of the future.

Just today, I was telling my sister how I would love to, just for a day, go back to the past when we were in primary school. When we’d get home by 3:15pm, fetch water, wash our school uniforms, clean the house and then prepare late lunch - (like clockwork it was a routine and mom is always back by the time lunch is ready – 4:00pm). I told her I missed the small room and the bed in the living room where we slept. Our box TV and the dilapidated stand that we glued together with tape. The torn carpets and peeking cement floor. It wasn’t our best times but I don’t remember worrying like I do now. I told my sister, if I could go back for a day, I would just live that moment.

Then it hit me. In the future, I may also wish to come back to this very moment. Even if I have nothing in my pocket, even if I’m not sure what the future holds and even if I’m not my happiest self. Maybe I would want to come back to this moment for one reason or the other just like I yearned for the past like I did now. So, that thought warmed up my blood. And while we walked in the dark (our transformer was vandalized) and talked with empty stomachs, I was happy. In that moment, it felt like I struck gold.

This is the effect of living in the present. How often can one constantly plan for the future? Not like you can’t but how often and how much of it doesn’t later become an obsession? How much of it doesn’t lead to worry? There’s a whole lot happening at the same time and it feels like I’m about to enter a new season since things are unbelievably tight.

Add to that the invasion of my new “friends” — scorpions. I hate scorpions and I’m what you’d call “wary” of them. Seeing them every where I turn now to the point I’m no longer surprised, is that a blessing or a curse? However, the constant visits reminded me of this, “I have given you power to trample upon serpents and scorpions. Nothing shall by any means harm you.”

Yeah I pondered on that. He didn’t say the scorpions and serpents won’t come, He said they would but then they won’t harm me. Just like life. The storms will come and so will the fear but as long as I am alive, I already have victory. Speaking of scorpions, I just killed one more now. This is funny.

I’m wondering if this is me finally confronting my fears. I used to have nightmares of scorpions as a kid into my twenties. I would wake up hyperventilating and sweating buckets. But now, I’m killing them all the time. I wonder if this is me being placed in a position to see that I actually have THE power.

I’ll stop with this. Fear is a killer. Anxiety is its friend. There is no reason to worry not when you have a present to take hold of. So, as we move through this process, let’s enjoy the moment, shall we?

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All Images are mine