Happiness Changes...

Is it just I that experiences a routine change?

It seems that sometimes, my tastes just switch up and I am doing new things daily that make me smile. I also realized that these things make themselves known when I am going through an incredibly dark period in my life. Either I find myself just doing something new, or I am doing something I used to do before in a very different way. I guess this is what people mean by, as you get older, you change.

Speaking of which, I experienced a lot these past weeks, where I felt my happiness had waned and in its place was anger, bitterness and most of all pain. It is so funny how I was not feeling all of this because something was done to me directly but because I was watching a close friend of mine break down repeatedly. I was always livid and maybe it was because of my period but everything just seemed to heighten. My senses, my intuition and most all, my sight.

When we would talk and get very heated about the things going on around us, I knew at some point that I had to draw the line. I needed to come into this somehow if not, I would just keep feeling bitter about something that is now insignificant and should be in the past where it belonged. I hated seeing someone I loved go from bright and bubbly to someone in constant pain and anger. I also hated how it transformed me from a person who did not give a fuck to caring what other people thought or did. I hated feeling so angry and sensitive all the time. I knew there had to be a change and I felt that change started with me.

I had to remember that happiness started from within. If I woke up feeling angry and drained constantly, it had nothing to do with other people (no matter the part they played in it) and everything to do with how I let them get to me. I am the gatekeeper of my emotions and my mind, getting angry with anyone or anything means giving them power over me. That, unfortunately, was what I did. I let them control my happiness.

With that realization, I woke up and told my bestie that I was going to try to move past everything. I will ignore the snide comments and blatant aggression. With that, I created a new routine (not so new anyway) to help me get through my day.

It all started with tackling the spiritual with the spiritual. Many people go into meditation with nature and just ground themselves. I do that too but it did not seem to be enough. I still felt that wound bleeding open. Funny how things that should have no effect on you just breaks you, right? I was still speechless I let it get to that point. That did not matter anymore; it was done. I just needed to get a hold of myself.

I got up and my first port of call was my Bible. Yes. I decided to tackle the spiritual with the spiritual. I was fed so much toxicity I knew I needed to declutter and let go. Before that, I physically stepped back from anything and anyone who played a hand (directly or indirectly) in my pain. Then I went to my Bible and opened “the chapters of truth” as I like to call them. I would stay poised over my desk, studying five chapters as early as 6:00am in the morning.

I would drink in the words, some were like knives jabbing straight to where it hurts, calling me out on my bullshit and that was exactly what I needed. Funny how I would smile while ingesting these words that had zero coatings whatsoever. After I was done, I would remain that way for minutes, pondering and ruminating over it. Then I would take one of those verses and meditate upon it throughout the day.

_{met this little guy on one of my strolls}

As I did my second favourite thing of the day, which was stroll and listen to music, I would immerse myself in that portion I read and just meditate. It always feels like my body is floating when I do that. Almost feels like I am light and everything around me is just air. I feel free and very, genuinely happy.

During other routines that are now a must, like Hiving, applying for more jobs and just doing everything so I don’t go back to losing myself, I don’t forget those small windows in between where I can just let go. I open my book app, and read some chapters. I alternate between Discord and WhatsApp, chatting with my favourite people. We laugh about stuff and share the schedules of our day. We hold each other accountable on our tasks for the day and that makes me genuinely happy. I like growing with people, especially my friends.

Another highlight for me is watching my mom eat. I used to get people tell me that watching me eat made them want to eat. Watching my mom eat made me smile. I love feeding her and when she expresses her satisfaction, it is always enough to make me forget everything else. She anchors me.

Well, like I said in the beginning, it seems my routines change and new things are discovered. I want to just enjoy the process of being young while I can – learning, building and growing. I know that all I face now is all to do with being at this age. Therefore, I will take it a day as a time, one-step at a time and accept that I cannot and will not know it all. This I find, seals my happiness.

This is my entry to the KISS #126 (Sep 7 - 13) in the The MINIMALIST Community. All images are mine.