The Scariest Thought with the Biggest Bright Side (Medtner, Schubert)

Imagine, since it is Halloween, being in a state of mind that you think that crane moved those trees into place around Alvord Lake just as you were getting there ... and that you are about to see all kinds of beautiful things in the light and nonetheless be startled at times by them ... just like a ghost more suited for All Saints' Day is still going to drop the scariest truth in life imaginable ... except that he just slid it in at the end, last week ...

I have expressed to you before, Frau Mathews, that you are not unwise to choose what you are chosen for in a world in which $250 million is regarded correctly as far more than $2.50 in terms of bus fare and other worldly measurements of value, but in which neither can purchase the grace and majesty of light nor the appreciation of walking in that light. Nor even has your hard climbing entitled you to either ... rather, you did that because it was the only proper response to being so blessed and graced.

Of course I answered it properly last week ...

How does the old hymn go: 'through many dangers, toils and snares I have already come' while the explanation is 'amazing grace, how sweet the sound.'

... but then my mind caught up with what he said, and I realized, YEP -- he had just done his whole Halloween duty. Depending on how caught up in our pride we are, that jump scare might glide right by ... bonus points for that huge, purring voice and how he slid it in ... but if you have never thought before about the reality that no matter what you do, you are guaranteed no good outcome by means of your labor, roll it around in your mind, and realize that no costume you are going to see today is going to be that much of a shock.

How many people, today, are thinking, "If I just do this, someone will see my worth ... if I just do this, someone will love me" ... what would it do to them to announce, "No. Your efforts guarantee you nothing?" If you accept that, what kind of journey will your life be on? Where are you going?

This requires Nikolai Medtner ... not as much scary as "out there" ... his famous "Night Wind" piano sonata fits the mood of an idea blowing through one's life, with all the varying intensity of a great wind at times blowing harder than others ... time between gusts to catch one's breath ... and also while walking through, the varied shelters and wind tunnels one passes through ... worthy of an idea that changes the arrangement of one's inner world ... and yet, if grasped without pride and fear, might just be glorious ...

The second theme of the second movement is so beautiful it sat well with the flip side of the thought of the day: "Virtue is its own reward." Sometimes it is the only one, as I mused after my full circle -- so many people I did so much for, and still had to leave them again. I could not transfer to them the growth I had experienced. I could not inspire them by my example. I could not save them in the future from getting back into the same situations.

There is still no bridge. I cannot change that. I had to do the good I came to do and be content with that: I could not swap the work I have done on myself, and even the work I have done and made available to everyone, for the outcome I wanted. That third movement of Medtner's sadness so covered my feelings ... in such a gorgeous and "out there" type of way ... from F minor to E minor ... a full circle to the home key of the sonata, but no way home ... on to new worlds in the fourth movement that reminded that at times I scarcely have known where I am and where I am going ... but went on, still called, still pushed by the wind that fills the sails like it is in Schubert's more active "Sehnsucht," D. 636, and also in his "Der Schiffer -- it is raining and visibility may not be great, but one must row, be blown, just walk, day by day ... toward that life to which one has been called, even through strange passes, some stark, some lovely, but relentlessly on ...

And then one gets a day like the loveliness of the first portion that fifth movement and its quasi cadenza ... so beautiful as to be almost out of place ... a respite ... although one already knows ... only for a little while ... on such a far-out journey, one must someday reach a far-out end ... Medtner, living as he does between understanding late Beethoven and Rachmaninoff, yet forging his own path, has much to teach.

On such a far-out life journey, it is good that our ethereal bass had not finished his sentence with that scary announcement to me.

Nor even has your hard climbing entitled you to either ... rather, you did that because it was the only proper response to being so blessed and graced.

Once one recognizes that one's own efforts assure no outcomes, one can still realize the possibility of being blessed and graced, enjoy the opportunity of making our best efforts, and live in the light of hope that those efforts will be blessed with grace, in due time.

"Probably no one in the world is better suited to understand that, Frau Mathews, than a seven-day roller on Hive, Frau Mathews. You have indeed been well-prepared."

Because in Q-Inspired terms the Ghost of Musical Greatness Past had called a halt to my very long walk through the lower Oak Woodlands and around Alvord Lake (and therefore, in Q-Inspired terms, spared me the soreness I had to deal with reality for all that), he had returned a week later for us to finish that walk ... so in a flash we were comfortably resting in the afternoon near the top of the last little rise before going down to the lake --

"I see you enjoyed the Medtner this week, and spared your old professor a good deal of singing in explaining," he purred. "The Night Wind is a magnificent piece of music, and indeed, it fits a journey of a woman in a windy city, plotting a different course in life."

"Oh, you think you are getting off the hook that easily?" I said, and he laughed.

"It will take your friends in Q-Inspired exactly the same amount of time to read this as it will to listen to that sonata -- why have me disturb them further? You do not think our big insight is not disturbing enough?"

I considered a response to that, but I realized he was testing me ... obviously a click on YouTube and I could have whatever performance I wanted, but if I knew him as a person and was practicing not treating people as though I were entitled to things from them ... so I held my peace.

"Your wisdom is growing, Frau Mathews," he said. "Well done. Shall we go?"

"Yes," I said, and we went down by the path with the oaks all golden behind us.

-- and in a preview of coming events, a set of flower stalks shone like sparklers in more color than they should been in, this late in the year ...

At last at Alvord Lake, where a couple was memorializing their trip on the other bank ...

... and there, seeing that, my companion exercised his sentimental old man privileges on me ...

"Ach, die Erinnerung ... memory ... in September last year, we stood here on the day your fifth book was finished in spite of the terrible weight of grief and loneliness you were carrying, and again on November 1 last year we were here, the day you woke up as an Amazon best seller and were overcome with such gratitude and awe that we both ended up having a naturally psychedelic experience ... and then when autumn finally arrived one day into winter, and this place was all golden reflections, we were here, and then this spring, with all that was best of dark and bright ... and now, so near that one-year anniversary mark -- ich gratuliere, Frau Mathews, for I know all it took for you to refuse despair and get back here, in this light -- what it took for you to do all the good you knew how and keep doing it in spite of all that pain, with no guarantee of any result that the world counts as a reward!"

"It has been an interesting journey," I said. "Much of the way was very hard."

"Because the things you value are things that money cannot buy and status cannot be traded for, there are no compensations for you of that type."

"None," I said.

He let me linger in my sad thoughts just a moment longer ... and then he slowly smiled, easing me through the transition he was going to make by going to a different part of my memory.

"Yet you knew that it was all worth it, the moment you met one of your Sunday School students walking up the street as you came in from a recent walk, and she also remembered her baby brother who was your piano student, and you had two books to autograph at hand. Now that is what I call a 20-year full circle!"

"Yes! Yes!" I cried. "That the young people I love might have this in a manner they can understand -- yes! I would do it all again! I was not given my communication ability to trade for greed and status in this world -- I was given it to show love!"

I found myself weeping tears of joy ... that had been among the happiest days of my life.

"Ask me if I understand, I who sang around the world ... and in neighborhood singing groups ... and in and around my home ... and with and for my students ... for exactly the same reason. Mit dir, und bei dir, freut sich mein Herz!

Both mit and bei mean with, mit implying a togetherness that needs no place, and bei indicating location. In other words, both recognizing a unity beyond separation in time and space and the fact that -- well, we were at the lake, together -- his heart was rejoicing with mine, and I felt an ethereal tear of joy slide into my hair as I was sobbing ... mit dir, und bei dir, indeed.

Afterward I looked up into a face as radiant with joy as my heart felt -- and younger! -- now, he was my slightly older peer in appearance!

"This place tends to do that to you, since we are getting all sentimental about last year at this time -- you were 35 in appearance before you could get me home!" I said.

"Well, must we not reclaim these months with happy anniversaries for you? Must we not pluck them from merely the realm of grief, and let them be full of joy? Don't make me hit that high G from Beethoven's 'Ode to Joy' from his Ninth Symphony on that word Freude on this subject!"

"I thought you weren't singing today!" I said with a laugh.

"Well, you know I can hardly resist that kind of temptation even under the discipline of your needing certain lessons ... but I picked an example a bit too high for my voice type!"

"But you have that high G -- let me find out that you did record that!"

"You will have a good time finding out, one way or another, on another day," he said with a smile.

We walked on, getting glimpses of a lake of many colors, in a state of overjoy ... flames blossomed yet again from high stalks on the shore ...

... and orbs of fire danced along the waters in a scene edged with more golden flame...

We came to a stop at long last in a place of such breathtaking beauty ...

... that again I wept, my heart unable to hold the contrast from September 2023 to this day, and being overwhelmed with joy and gratitude once again.

My walking partner again folded me into his embrace, and was swaying slightly ... his voice was very close to that edge of ecstasy I once heard in his 'An die Musik' ...

"I remember, Frau Mathews, how I sang to you what you consider the most beautiful fifteen seconds in Wagner as a blessing -- 'be blessed, pure one, through purity, and may all your grief thus pass from you!' I knew you would make it, Frau Mathews, if you just kept walking in the light ... I knew this day of joy would come, if you could just find the strength to keep walking ... I knew we would make this full circle of joy ... as you felt on the day you met your student, and had to give to her to bless her out of your legacy of love to her and her family, how do you think I feel about you, this day ... ach, mein geliebtes schoenes Blumenkind, meine liebe Dame ... .

He was gone ... the physical waters rippling gently at the sound of his lowest notes as his heart yielded and sank under the waves of love that were flooding him ... all those generations already below me having flooded my heart, and back of him, all the generations of love that had poured into him, and he was another bridge to those generations to me while I was his bridge to the future ... it is one thing to fall in love with someone, and another thing to have love rise up and surround two to the point that it was, for the moment, all there was ... two little links in an endless, eternal flow, and for the moment, conscious of that reality only.

In the next moment, he smiled broadly.

"Medtner is not what we would consider dancing music," he said, "but I think a contralto who loves polyrhythm can manage 15/8 time as much as a basso profundo who can bend 9/8 to a 10/8 in Löwe at a moment like this!"

"It would be a shame not to find out," I said, and he laughed merrily as he swept me around that lake, playfully teasing me by caroling Medtner's outrageous bass at some of its most octave-spanning places as I laughed and laughed!

Now after this, however, it is a good thing there was a bridge -- or least a pier, because we almost danced right off and then had to walk back!

"Let us go up to the meadow for a little while, in its lovely calm ... having evaded your schemes to put me in the lake, I almost got us there myself!"

"My dear bouncing bass, I guarantee you all I have to do is stand back long enough, and just like you found your way up onto that orchestra box ... ."

He laughed uproariously as we went up to the meadow, to there rest for a good while.

"I do have more to add to the day's lesson ... but I am experiencing the limitations of mankind though in a different manner than you ... ."

He had just dropped a little hint ... perhaps...

"... your joy with blessing those around you met with mine has brought up home down to touch my heart here, and I confess am overwhelmed."

"I feel the same ... when my student shared with me that she felt led to come up that hill as I was being led to come down ... we were blessed and graced together and it was not something either of us had planned ... I was sound asleep five minutes before, but the wind gently shook me awake ... ."

"And you, in that glorious day, thought that the Blessed Hand had sent that wind out of Blue Eternity to shake you awake on time."

"Yes ... oh, yes ... ."

My mind went up that hill ... it had been so bright and warm ... I had thought I would close my eyes for a few minutes and instead slept nearly an hour ... meanwhile, as it had occurred the year before, my book was climbing the ranks back into the top 100s in its categories ... meanwhile, my student, now a grown, beautiful young woman of great intellect, had started her journey from work ... these are all things I had no control over, and yet ...

"And yet," he said, "that is the bright side of what I said to you last week. Your work did not earn you what you could never have arranged for yourself. Your work in response to the calling on your life prepared you for the blessing and grace you were called to receive, at the proper time. Now this will not translate to the dreams of status and avarice -- you gave two books away, and neither of you have great status in the world or gained it in the exchange. But what in the world could you exchange for that gift of love and joy?"

"Nothing!"

"It was said by One far greater than me: 'What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul, or, what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?' This is a consideration of exactly the same questions, in a different light: what higher profit could there be for the soul than to be a conduit of love and joy and peace to another, and what in the world would you exchange for that?"

He shivered ... his memories were rolling, too fast for me to pick out individual ones ... .

"Do you suppose I was unhappy in my retirement because no longer on the grand stages of the world ... unhappy, when I might still bless in my home, in my neighborhood, wherever I might teach, wherever occasion might arrive, and see the love and joy I might still bring? Do you think I could be unhappy, when all around me, my students took their time in the sunlight and made the most of all the love I had poured into them, and when their time permitted returned that love to me? Do you think, in my last days on earth, that I desired or even thought of my awards and the lights of the stage ... that I was unsatisfied because I should have no more of that in this world?"

"No, on all counts ... because you were so quiet, to the end," I said. "Unsatisfied men of strength cannot be quiet, even when they would be kinder to themselves not to be seeking the spotlight as they weaken. But it is another thing, which I saw in both Jerome Hines and you, to be invited back by the following generation that loves you, and thus be presented as best their love can -- still in dignity and honor and love, and not too much, but what is for the best for all in love."

I knew that he had kept going as a master teacher until 74-75, and Jerome Hines to age 80 ... both to within a few years of departing this world ... and both had their legacies extended through the Internet for years and years more ... both had reached audiences of millions, and had multiple generations of people who had learned the stories of their lives and been inspired.

"So do you think, as you continue to walk and work in the light, Frau Mathews, that you will be left in unhappiness -- that these shall be rare days of light for you, when you have chosen that which the whole world cannot provide or take from you? For what do you even need the status and the money?"

Now that last question -- ghastly -- for some people, no ghost anywhere could have suggested anything more terrifying. Because of insecurity, because of pride, because of succumbing to deep and terrible temptations of the flesh, humans have done and do and will do horrific things to obtain the status and the money as though they are the end goals of life, or in order to obtain even darker ends of ruling like cruel, exploitative gods over others.

But for me ...

"I need them only to the extent that they fall into the service of my calling."

"And now, Frau Mathews, you may find that now that you understand your stewardship, you may find that in all good time, you may have all those things. You may find that the corner has already been turned, but you have not seen it yet because no one can look around a curve in any direction -- this you cannot know now, but as you continue to walk and work in the light, you will find out!"

Deep peace settled over me, imbued with hope ... light with light blended ...

... and it was in that frame of mind that we went back down to the lake.

"Tell me this, Frau Mathews -- is Alvord Lake the largest lake in this park?"

"Hardly. Even the Lily Pond is larger, and I think only the reflecting pool by the Rose Garden is smaller."

"Do you think the average author for your nation's public, if writing a fiction about some great best-selling author, would choose so small a place as the waters of inspiration?"

"With the Pacific that close, and San Francisco Bay, and even Blue Heron Lake at hand -- probably not. Alvord Lake is small and easily overlooked."

"Der kleiner Ring!" he playfully sang, and I laughed, having also caught his hint earlier about Schubert's "Limitations of Mankind," or "Grenzen der Menschheit."

"Indeed ... yet it is so beautiful, in all seasons."

"But you see, Frau Mathews, you have applied yourself to knowing its beauty ... for years, you have walked around it ... you have walked here on some of your most significant days, and laid your memories by its shores ... you despise no little ring. I mentioned Hive to you earlier ... is it the largest social media platform?"

"No, but it is truly mighty in the world."

"But see, Frau Mathews, you have attended to it, so you know ... you despise no little ring. Your church -- is it large, and have you not been in larger and grander churches and choirs that would have been glad to have you?"

"My church is not large, but I remain where I am called ... I would not give up my beloved students there for anything in the world."

"You have known them from cradle days, which is why such glorious full circles can and will happen to you, over and over again ... Frau Mathews, you do not know the joy ahead of you ... ."

So many memories suddenly overwhelmed him ... I actually had to grab him because he almost walked right off ... his two tears of overwhelming joy did hit the water.

"You even warned me that left to myself I might still bounce myself right in -- but you did not step back and let me do that," he said. "Danke, mein geliebtes Blumenkind. I see that you do love me after all."

"Now you already knew that," I said. "Men your age and pneumonia -- nein."

Again he laughed uproariously -- he of course was past all that, but --.

"Your mind, Frau Mathews -- your mind!"

Nonetheless, his eyes lit up again, far beyond the brightness of his laughter ... and at my feet, all of the sudden, freshly budding lilies burst open as if the summer of their love had just begun.

But we did need to get back again ... had he any bulk, we both would have been in that water ... so, again, safely back up with some room to spare on the shore, although again, a flame played upon the water and it was unusually bright ...

I felt that if my companion had still had a heart to beat, it would have been pounding in his chest ... he was so radiant that it was a good thing the area itself seemed simply drunk with light ... so much so that it was too much for him for the moment.

"Vergib mir, bitte, meine Liebe ... ich habe mein Englisch verloren!"

"Schade ... aber haben wir die Zeit ... ich werde gerne auf Sie warten."

"Dein Deutsch wird immer besser, mein Blumenkind."

He had asked my forgiveness, for he had lost his English ... I had said that was too bad, but we had time and I would gladly wait on him ... he had then complimented me on how my German was always getting better ... so we waited there ... so many times he had waited with me ... it was no hardship at all.

"I had meant to say, Frau Mathews, that because you have attended to these little rings, they are beautiful to you, and to anyone you might choose to share them with, for the heart that walks in the light of love will have that beauty touch all around them.

"I will confess that I was completely overtaken by the reality before I could get the words out ... there is nothing in this earth that compares with the beauty that is in the life beyond, but when in the presence of one who is seeking to live in such a way that the greatest beauty of Heaven is here ... not only content with the small ring of mortal life as it is found without all pretensions to godhood, but having so adorned it and deepened it with love ... and you chose that I should be here, and thus be blessed to be linked with your memories and Q-Inspired memories of this beautiful place, on this anniversary, on this day so near your own highest joy because of your beloved student ... you chose to share all this with me!"

"You are here because your track record is clear: you can be here," I said. "You are remembered for always behaving as one who was graced and blessed, and thus, full of gratitude and love. Even in your singing, this poured out of your voice, and you sang in places small and great, not discriminating. So you can be here, on my little ring of Alvord Lake, and my little ring on Hive, because you also despised no small ring, and that is actually why I love you, since we are out here confessing."

By this time, just like I had snapped the picture including the two lovers snapping the picture of themselves by the shore, people were snapping their "lover's lake" type of memories with us by the shore ...

... and those who took photographs and were content actually got to leave with their phones intact ... even in approximation of his mortal voice, the infrasonic undertones of his immortal voice were murder to recording devices other than the ripples on the lake ...

... that picked up all the tones some 2-3 octaves lower than his plenty-low choice of key for "Grenzen der Menschheit."

Even without being able to hear the things that could not be heard, that was an awe-inspiring experience all the more for the deep humility with which he took his time when singing this journey of a song ... of considering the Almighty, and realizing one would be content just to kiss the hem of His garment in child-like awe ... because all attempts to attain godhood led to various forms of destruction ... necessary, and far better, to accept one's place as a mortal, and attend well to the endless matters on the little ring of life ... and of course, the awesome depth and beauty of his voice suggested two things: if the possessor of that voice had to put forth such humility, the rest of us had better get right in line ... but that need not be a hardship or deprivation because of the depth of life on that little ring that was possible.

A further thought because my German had improved just that much: Schubert also had spoken of being versunken ... those who sought the privileges of gods would nonetheless be swept away by the waves of time, and sink in them -- und wir versinken, it is said exactly. So, we are bound in this life in a little ring of time, one link in a chain of endless generations ... mortality is our limitation.

Here I will mention the bass Herr Möll might have heard in childhood singing this: Gottlob Frick, himself a magnificent basso profundo, with a performance that is a minute and a half longer ... probably the most striking interpretation ever, for one can hear his deep, poignant emotion at "und wir versinken." He emphasizes this, and struggles at points with his emotions during the song ... for he was singing to his people in 1949, after the loss of World War II, with half of Germany in Soviet hands. Kurt Möll is who you get to lovingly help you understand this particular lesson in advance. Gottlob Frick is who you get to explain what happens and why when people choose to learn the hard way. Therefore, the Scared Straight Halloween Award goes to Herr Frick, because it is terrifying to consider what scenes must have been fresh in his mind as he sings a solemn warning through his deep pain ...

... but see, I try to learn things in advance ... the whole idea that someone would have to lament over my life like that because I let my pride run me smack into the division between mortality and divinity like I could be a goddess over my fellow human beings ... now that scares me ... I would prefer to die first ... ... if I choose foolishness at this point, rejecting all the light I have had ... let me go home from all temptation first, because nothing in this world is worth the punishment I would have earned, knowing better.

But also, on the brighter side of that, I was graced with a temperament that, while capable of tremendous stubbornness, tends to yield to love, and love and good and righteousness all run the same way. Thus, a mighty but gentle echo was chosen for me among the great German basses for all that I was taught about how to live from childhood up, for I was fitted to hear in my second language as I was in my first.

Blessed and graced instead of seeking to be exalted by one's own works and thus being lost, mocked, scorned, and sunk ... not the most obvious choice in a world like this .... not clear that in the long run these are actually the only two options on everything. To seek to be among the stars for one's own aggrandizement and then mocked by clouds and wind when one's footing is lost in Schubert, versus humbly seeking life and love under one Name in Brahms, and being lifted to be among those stars as a response to that request ...

It further occurred to me at that point that I was noticing this because Herr Möll had selected his Schubert choices and his Brahms choices so it could be noticed ... master teachers just keep on teaching ... my mind just started running, only to be gently interrupted and brought back to the lake by a deep-voiced and gentle laugh, followed by his statement:

"Your mind, Frau Mathews ... your mind! How you think that anyone could think of the things you think of -- I blush while bowing at the compliment!"

"My dearest Herr Altesrouge," I said, kidding him with his "Old Blush" nickname in German, "with all your brilliant intellect and blossoming humility ... ."

Oh, he was so tickled ... turned the color of a rose while laughing and bowing and then could not stop laughing as I wrapped my arms around him for his balance.

"We might need to upgrade you to Old Laughter ... ."

That also would have been the ideal nickname for my father's father, the epitome of contented, joyful, gentle old age in a man ... again, a picture of what I would be willing to welcome in my life: a man mature enough to be so happy with being blessed and graced that he would not feel the need to force the compensation for what he thought he was entitled to but could not get from the world out of me. Now, for a younger man to be of that mind, he would have to have gone by a similar path to mine in terms of seeking light and truth, and humbly laying down all the lies common to men in the world ... but thus with him, I could walk safely ... I could walk safely with any number of such people as friends ... and no, nobody would be pushing or letting anyone roll into any lake!

"Somehow in all this time, I do notice that neither of us has gotten wet yet!" he said between peals of laughter.

"Now you know we don't do those kinds of things, Herr Altesrouge ... wir sind gesegnet, und wir sind selig ... the doubly-blessed don't let their doubly-blessed friends get dunked for no reason."

"We most certainly do not ... no lakes ... no pits of despair ... no sides of mountains without anti-gravity enabled ... ."

"Yes, you definitely needed to add that detail, the way you have had us up there walking on sunshine without the FAA having a clue what is going on!"

"Or a flight plan half the time, for that matter -- you have to have a plan to file it!"

Now, we both were laughing, on a day of such joy as could never be earned, but came with the work I had done in a year of being blessed and graced.

"Wir sind gesegnet, und wir sind selig," he purred when at last we turned toward my home and started forth.

"Yes -- blessed and blissfully blessed," I said. "After such hard days, it is indeed a cause of gratitude to have this one!"

"Get your life into your grip, Frau Mathews. All the good seed you have been planting, all this time ... to borrow an Americanism you know well: 'you ain't seen nothing yet'!"

That in a German accent attempting a Southern American accent and failing joyously -- I was gone laughing, and he just scooped me up but then had to put me back down because --.

"Technically, I can laugh and carry you, having no muscles to strain, but I still didn't file the flight plan with the FAA, so ... ."

So, we stayed at the lake just a little longer, laughing, as light and love and joy and beauty rejoiced all around us.