8 November 2023, @mariannewest's Freewrite Writing Prompt Day 2214: perfect disaster

Image by Steve Buissinne from Pixabay

Just before dinner, Col. H.F. Lee heard the ringtone of when police calls were being forwarded to his cell phone.

“Good evening, Capt. H.F. Lee of the Big Loft Police Department speaking,” he said, and then smiled slightly. “Oh, good evening, Captain Oriole from Western Precinct – what's going on, neighbor?”

Two minutes later, Mrs. Lee came out of the kitchen, drawn by her husband's rare expressions of loud incredulity: “He bonded out and he did what?”

Five minutes later, every person with an ear on the cul-de-sac was looking through a window or staring in the house at the amazing sight of Henry Fitzhugh Lee, famous for his composure, just rolling laughing on the phone.

“Thank you, Capt. Oriole – after all the foolishness we have gone through after the hacking of the operating account and the coming conservatorship, I think we all needed that!” he said as he regained his composure. “Yes. I'll be in the office virtually tomorrow, barring an absolute emergency – yes, call me at 10:30 and we'll coordinate all of that. Yes. Very good. Thank you again and good night, Captain.”

Col. Lee hung up the phone and then saw all those incredulous eyes on him and broke out laughing all over again.

“All right – all right – let me tell you what just happened before you all see it on the news, and I will do it age-appropriately!” he said. “When you think you are the star of an action movie, but you don't understand how anything in the real world actually works – call your movie 'Perfect Disaster'!”

“Oh, this is gonna be good!” nine-year-old George Ludlow and nine-year-old Milton Trent from next door said as they got their front row seats close to the colonel.

“And it's gonna be rated right so we don't have to be sent to bed, because, see, that gets on my nerves!” five-year-old Lil' Robert said.

“Rated G, not for Grayson, but for good movie,” six-year-old Grayson said as he sat down by Lil' Robert.

“Amanda and I will be the reporters at the scene,” ten-year-old Andrew Ludlow said as he followed his seven-year-old sister Amanda in getting a notebook.

“Oh, we're just going to lookyloo and point,” eleven-year-old Eleanor Ludlow and eleven-year-old Velma Trent said.

“And say, 'I told you so,' ” eight-year-old Edwina Ludlow added.

“Ain't it the truth,” eight-year-old Gracie Trent said. “I'm here for all of that, since people keep forgetting crime does pay, but not what you want!”

“Ain't it the truth!” Col. Lee said as he broke out laughing again. “That's exactly what happens – so, you get up one morning and decide, 'Let me just steal all these policeman's paychecks, and then –.' ”

Mrs. Melissa Trent broke out laughing right then.

“Toast already!” she cried.

“But see, there are degrees of toast,” Col. Lee said. “There are people that like a lightly browned toast, there are people that like it golden brown, there are people that like it hard brown and crumbly, and then there are the people who forget what they are doing until the toast and the whole house is burnt to a crisp, and we are dealing with one of those!”

“What a waste of a good piece of bread!” Lil' Robert said.

“There oughta be a law,” Grayson said.

“There is a law,” George said. “That's why he was in jail and had to get out on bail anyway!”

“Right,” Col. Lee said. “So, the suspect is in jail, surrounded all these police officers whose money he stole – but he's OK and no one is bothering him because we are all professionals and have him where we want him and it is fine. But then he bonds out, and decides he's going to run for it!”

Mrs. Lee started laughing then.

“Oh, no!” she said.

“Like we don't know that this person has some associates we also want to get – he couldn't even get out of the police station until he started talking on his phone about 'I'll meet y'all at I.C. Arus – like we don't know that's the private jet airport!'

“Oh, no!” said Sgt. Trent as he started laughing.

“So then he goes to where his car is in the impound lot – now, bear in mind, he stole the money of every one around him, so you think that maybe, just maybe, he might not want to peel off the curb burning rubber, going from 0 to 20 miles above the speed limit in ten seconds and staying there all the way to I.C. Arus Memorial Airport?

“Now see, the Big Loft Police Department barely has a helicopter – I've been in that Vietnam-era thing and said I would resign at once if ever I was asked to get up in the air in that again – M.A.S.H. the television show is trying to meet CRASH the reality TV series so bad and I refuse to be one of the stars, unlike other people who were setting up their own B-movie incident because here you have this old helicopter chasing down this frenzied driver careening through the streets before rush hour and both of them looking for a place to die all the way to the airport!

“Meanwhile, at the airport, Sheriff Nottingham acquitted himself well in the last days of his tenure – he got that airport and especially that tarmac cleared, because you know the suspect's accomplices were flying in like their friend was driving through these streets – made that helicopter pilot look like he was flying the state-of-the-art vehicle, the way they were handling that HondaJet HA-420 jet.

“Just because a friend of a friend has a super-light private jet that you kind of borrowed without permission does not mean that you should use it as your advanced getaway vehicle, especially since A: it does not even have the range to get you anywhere outside the United States but into the Atlantic Ocean, and B: your accomplices didn't have time to check the weather report and don't really have the skill to bring that thing down against the crosswinds.

“So imagine the situation: you're driving your car on these tires you halfway burned up getting there, a helicopter looking it is going to fall out of the sky on you at any second, every available police car in the area after you, and you see your plane having to pull up and abort the landing and head back into the sky … twice … so you decide you are going to take the bull by the horns, put your car into overdrive, head out on the tarmac, and guide the plane down with those little wands the workers use to help planes back in and out of the terminals, because surely if you give direction, the problem will be solved!”

“Meanwhile, the air traffic control specialists and the airport workers were trying to get things situated – the workers put down every inch of foam they had to try to soften the inevitable bump but then had to run for their lives because the pilot figured it out just in time for the suspect's car to hit the tarmac and lose traction – so there they were sliding toward each other, the car and the plane, and the helicopter pulling up as best it could – but fortunately the car slid off the runway and the plane slid on by – but the pilot and co-pilot were so relieved to be on the ground they forget to turn off the throttle in time and also ended up off the runway on the other end, looking like a toy plane that some child left nose down, tail up without breaking the plane!”

Six-year-old Grayson looked at five-year-old Lil' Robert.

“You know,” he said, “when you're a grown-up, but you treat your toys like we treat ours, you're not doing it right!”

“They shoulda come over here and had us make them a paper plane – they land good everywhere!” Lil' Robert said.

“Basically,” Velma said as Eleanor just shook her head in disgust.

“When Rob and Sonny [Lil' Robert and Grayson] have a better idea of how to land your plane than you do, and you're grown, you're definitely not doing it right,” Eleanor said. “You and whoever thought it was a good idea need to be in jail for your own protection.”

“We tried!” Col. Lee said. “He was safe! Three hot meals and a cot! Guaranteed accommodations probably for the next three or so decades! But no! All the suspect did was bond out from jail to the hospital, with a tour of I.C. Arus Memorial Airport including the ditches beside the runways for himself and all his friends! But we're going to be able to keep them safe now, with all their broken bones, and two police officers outside every door – because who doesn't love an action movie with happy ending, with everyone safe and right where they need to be?”

“Wow,” Andrew said. “That's one way of looking at it, Cousin Harry!”

“I feel safe now,” Amanda said, “because where they need to be is far away from me!”

“Ain't it the truth,” Gracie said. “I told y'all: crime pays, but not what you want!”

“If we can get some ropes and stuff and get that plane out of that ditch, you think they might let us buy it cheap?” Milton said to George. “Clearly they don't know what to do with it, and we're gonna have our license long before any of them get out of prison!”

“No,” Col. Lee said, “but I tell y'all what: if y'all can put together a few Lego helicopters by Thursday morning for me to take to work, I might be able to keep my job longer!”

“Oh, yeah!” Lil' Robert said. “As soon as you get out of being grounded tomorrow, Grayson, we all gotta get this done!”

“Why do I feel like we're not done lookylooing and pointing?” Edwina said.

“Because people get up in the morning every day not knowing how things are and how they are, so 'Perfect Disaster' has another sequel, every day,” Velma said.