6 april 2025, @mariannewest's Freewrite Writing Prompt Day 2698: false advertising

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“I am so glad to have my new cousins and my new friends, because I would never have learned about quality eavesdropping, because we really don't need that in our family.”

Ten-year-old Glendella Ludlow was sitting with her cousins eleven-year-old Eleanor, eight-year-old Edwina, and seven-year-old Amanda, and their friends eleven-year-old Velma and eight-year-old Gracie Trent. The three Ludlow and two Trent sisters had loved Glendella all the way into the group, and she was just talking with them like she had known them all her life … which caused Mrs. Thalia Ludlow to pull on her husband's sleeve.

“Robert,” she said, “if she doesn't need to eavesdrop where she has been living … .”

Capt. R.E. Ludlow face palmed, and then got his phone and positioned himself to do quality surveillance … he knew his cousins Astor and Glendella were living a high society life that was basically false advertising, but just how bad it was he did not know. He was about to find out.

“I've been living with my grandparents and they are loud and tell everything,” Glendella was saying. “Like, last week, Gramps was crying to Mistress No. 2 about how he knows my father is his son because Dad looks like Gramps spit him out although that is super gross, but he doesn't know about Aunt Julia because he's sure Grandma was cheating on him at that time, but he's scared to get a DNA test because although he has a right to have women on the side, he doesn't anyone to think Grandma went with another man. Since that was grown folks' business, I couldn't tell him that last month Grandma was laughing on the phone with one of her friends about how Gramps should be worried because he's cheating and has a guilty conscience, and that he is still the only man she puts up with and cheated on him with a woman.”

Capt. Ludlow felt his soul trying to leave his body, but his mind realized there was more and told his soul to sit down and buckle up.

“Well, look, you ought to see if you can get adopted over here too,” Edwina said, “because your big cousins who are our grandparents know how to deal with dumb parents and dumb grandparents. See, Amanda and I are cousins too although Eleanor is my sister, but by adoption we are all sisters because Papa and Grandma just weren't going to put up with the foolishness – so our parents chose their drugs and just overdosed, and our other grandparents just got out of the way after they heard what Papa and Grandma did with all our dumb foster parents. They broke bad so hard on those people that the breakage baddage is legendary to this day!”

“Yeah, I know, because the breakage baddage my Gramps is experiencing for messing with your Papa probably is still going on – Gramps was throwing $100 bottles of wine at the wall when I went out the window.”

“That's not safe,” Amanda said.

“That's why I had to leave,” Glendella said, “because somebody was going to have to clean all that up, and it was not going to be me – have y'all seen how red wine of these old vintages stains? I have. Just throw the whole paint job and carpet away. They're gonna need a whole new house over there, but it's not going to be my problem. Everybody gotta own their own breakage baddage.”

“Yeah!” Edwina said. “We like you, and you're going to love it here!”

“I brought you some holy water – I prayed over it myself and thanked the Lord for it,” Gracie said.

“Oh, this is so nice of you – I feel like you actually pray and actually mean it,” Glendella said.

“Listen, I don't play about that stuff because if you really want to see some breakage baddage, mess with God,” Gracie said. “Our family is messed up too, but, see, when you are Black, you don't get to live messing up like that, especially when you have long shooters on all sides of the family. Either one of my grandmothers would have taken your grandfather out with all his mistresses years ago, because the wages of sin is death and that's also what it says about going with folks that you're not married to when you are married. And then there's folks that just thought selling moonshine and drugs to their own people was cool, but it's not cool to murder your own people slow. So then when you mess around, God stops protecting you when He gets good and ready, and then anything can happen.”

Glendella thought about this.

“I love that you are sharing your brown grandparents so that I get to learn all this.”

“Yeah, and we get tips from eavesdropping on our big sister Vanna too,” Velma said. “She makes the greatest popcorn, but you gotta listen to the wisdom – like you can't lie down with all boys because they have bugs, and who wants their hair and ears webbed up?”

“Well,” Glendella said, “that explains a lot because my grandparents have had those bugs webbing up their lives and brains for years – must have crawled in while they were kissing all those different people. Your sister is right, because from all I see, Gramps and Grandma and all the mistresses I've seen must have cobwebs all over their brains.”

“Yeah, because anybody calling to mess with Papa who knows him has got to have major cobwebbage,” Eleanor said. “Got to – that cobwebbage that leads you right to that legendary breakage baddageness.”

“That must be it, because they must be up to a million dollars in breakage baddageness, and those wine stains ain't coming out,' Glendella said.

“Robert,” Mrs. Ludlow said as she let him down onto the sofa, “you're coming around – what happened!”

He handed her the phone and she listened …

“Move over,” she said, and they fell out on the sofa for a few minutes before Capt. Ludlow called his cousin and Glendella's great-uncle, Mr. Vanderbilt Ludlow.

“Vanderbilt, I've just sent you an audio file. Listen to it and call me back, but what I have to say about it is that I need you to start the process of getting custody of Baby Glendella expeditiously.”

Ten minutes later …

“I need the name of your lawyer that handled your custody cases for your grandkids, the name of the firm, and his or her retainer costs.”

“Already sent it, Vanderbilt. Call me at midnight for strategy talk."