11 June 2025, @mariannewest's Freewrite Writing Prompt Day 2764: false teeth
“So no, don't sleep on Papa – he's not the Angel of Death or anything, and you know him as firm but super gentle, but if anybody comes through here trying to hurt us, nothing angelic is going to happen, except the death part.”
Ten-year-old Andrew Ludlow was explaining to his cousin and new sibling ten-year-old Glendella Ludlow all the family lore around Capt. Robert Edward “Hell to Pay” Ludlow, who Glendella was still getting to know.
“I mean, he looks like Colonel Sanders if Colonel Sanders ate baked chicken and worked out,” Glendella had said to Andrew, “and I figure that if Colonel Sanders gave up frying and eating chicken in Kentucky and work out, it would be kinda serious.”
“Oh, it is,” Andrew said, and that's where the conversation had started.
“Listen,” eight-year-old Edwina Ludlow eventually chimed in, “somebody tried to mess with Grandma once and the guy didn't even need false teeth at the end, Papa hit him so hard! I wasn't there but my dentist was talking about it last year!”
Andrew put his head in his hands.
“Oh, snap, that was real – I mean I heard Grandma talking to Papa about needing to be gentler with civilians who aren't ready, but he said he was!”
“Well, what happened?” Glendella said.
“The guy didn't even have to go to the dentist – he just went and had regular surgery!” Edwina said.
“Uh, not exactly,” Andrew said.
Capt. R.E. Ludlow, having no idea this was going on, walked through the room on his cell phone, going to the room he had converted to his office.
“Oh, this is wonderful news, Col. Wozniak – yes, you can give him my number. I will be delighted to speak with him.”
“I mean, he is kinda angelic,” Glendella said as she looked lovingly after him. “But you still haven't told me about the guy and the surgery.”
“Papa didn't knock his teeth out!” Edwina said. “He knocked his whole jaw out – saved him all that money on dental bills!”
“He told Grandma he was thinking of the guy just being a civilian and just made it so when he came to he could just get fixed up real quick,” Andrew said, “but I don't know if jaw surgery is cheaper than dental bills.”
“Well, yeah, because think about it,” Glendella said. “First, you have 22 teeth, so it's easier to just put half of them back at a time. Second, if they bandage you up good, you can't say dumb stuff for a while. That will save you all kinds of money and trouble, because unlike Gramps, Upgrade Papa isn't trying to bother people. I literally did not know y'all existed because Upgrade Papa was not calling to bother us.”
“No, Papa does not go look for trouble,” Andrew said. “He basically minds his business. But the thing is, some people don't go looking for trouble because they don't have to. If you come acting a fool they are the trouble you are looking for.”
“I'm definitely one of those too!” Edwina said. “Definitely!”
Glendella started laughing.
“You chasing Bad Grandma down the street was so beautiful, Eddie – we need to just have a spiritual purple party to celebrate the one-week anniversary!”
“You know, we really do!” Edwina said. “Wanna come, Andy?”
“I like purple,” he said, “and I keep my life together so I don't have anything to worry about.”
“Nope,” Edwina said. “You're the best big brother!”
“I try,” Andrew said.
“You're doing real good,” Glendella said.