_{This is a blog. Views and opinions expressed herein belong solely to the blog owner. Viewer discretion advised. You're now tuned into words, real-life words for fucks sake I mean what if the US only shipped F-bombs....}

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I saw a headline on the internet because before I commit to anything on the internet I sift through headlines on the internet—stock market crash is imminent, it said, get out now while you still have a chance.

I didn't click it.

I clicked the first 477 imminent stock market crash warnings. Waste of time like World War III threats. They've been doing that since World War II. Before WWIII is even officially declared, I can accurately predict the lead cast of World War IV: Russia, China, America and them. UK, duh! What's war without the UK, I mean Germany! It ain't war if Germany ain't fahrvergnügen schnitzel up.

Show me a headline featuring Peru and Chad, Iceland, Bangladesh and Nepal on the brink of nuclear annihilation and I'm blowin that shit up!

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Ever notice how if you say "I'll do anything for a heart" three times fast: "I'll do anything for a heart - I'll do anything for a heart - I'll do anything for a heart," it sounds like: I'll do anything fart?

= }

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Hello. I'm, not that bad. Not 1mportant, if anyone asks. No1, if abbrev's R still N.

Typo dude who knows what he wants, know what I mean? Either you do or you don't. I can't make this up. Life's a two-way street and I'll let you in on a little secret.

_{(They ain't all straight forward)}

Not everyone walks with one foot in front of the other if you're smellin what I'm steppin in. Can't nail a square with a triangle, high-five.

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Or a triangle with a peg but, eh, you can't do both like NASCAR, you either deer stare or steer clear. :time out:

My phone capitalized that, not me, NASCAR. <- There! It did it again. I thought it only did that for Coke Zero but apparently NASCAR is bigger. I've never watched the stuff. I'd rather watch _______________ than a fleet of real-life Matchbox (it did it again) cars turn left 2,000 times with a buncha dudes in overalls and no shirts who think Billy Ocean and Indian Ocean are kin-folk :time in:

Two types of people..

Handicap placard hanging in the mirror cuz they're a gimp like me who earned front row parking or handicap placard hanging in the mirror cuz we're in The South where you can eat your way into front row parking until you're diagnosed incapable of walking +/- 20 steps without taking a breather.

That's a fact. I mean, it's a joke, a fat joke, but fact. Fat fact: show me someone who barely fits in their car and I'll show you automatic qualification for front row parking in Southern USA. Makes about as much sense as Boeing widening their seats to accommodate people who can't fit in the seat because why use your influence to promote healthy living alternatives when you can just make bigger seats? Senseless like mannequin nipples, seriously, why in the hell do they mold nipples on mannequins so, anyway, two types of people..

Throws trash out the window / doesn't throw trash out the window. Chewing gum—same. You might not spit your gum on the ground but you've stepped in it. One persons trash is another's responsibility.

iOS / The other one.

Parks in Loading Zone Only when in fact they're not loading shit and they're inside shopping like everyone else. They should call it Wife Drop-Off. I don't know why they paint it red.

Christian / Not Christian. We all gotta hate someone. Jesus said give everything to the poor so we don't have to, said organized religion, am I right!

:knuckles:

Wears thrift store shoes / Too good to walk in someone else's shoes.

Owns the device DanDays entertains them on / Leases it like a sucker.

Can do this all day / Can't go all night.

Boo!

I saw an Iranian chick say BOO! last night on Kill Tony—funniest opening sentence I've heard all year:

I'm originally from Iran

Boo!

In Texas! She did that shit in Texas where a pint of whiskey means life.

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Ever look out the window like, I wonder what happened there?

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The other day, my buddies wife who's known me more than 30 years said I might be on the spectrum. I was all, how'd you know I switched internet service providers???

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Smart TV's are dumb people watchers.

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Dollar General never took into consideration inflation when branding their franchise.

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You know you're getting old when all you have to do is look at the bed to throw your whole neck out.

Or boast how good your dog eats like she's in training for airplanes.

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Dear Autocorrect:

How many times a mtherferker gotta misspell mothrfuckrr til you fix it when all I said was my momma, one time, and you finished all the lyrics to Justin Bieber?

Friend asking for a friend.

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One more but only cuz my wife doesn't read these things:

I'm in the shower the other day, whatever day that was, I mean, I take showers daily, sometimes more than one but I don't remember which particular day it was right now cuz I'm not particularly sure what month it is right now so, anyway, I'm in the shower the other day when in comes my wife—shits in the toilet.

Pushes out a #2 for anyone who made it this far and waited til shits in the toilet to get offended. Thing is, she's making waves less than two feet from where I'm in the middle of a shower and she's got pancreatitis which, trust me, is WAY MORE offensive than shits in the toilet if I explained what pancreatitis does to a digestive system and we got three mtherfuckn toilets in the house!!

I'm S0Ooo sorry!! I can't hold it, close your ears!

W.. T-F.. R you'fa king kidding me, the hell you can't go use anoth...

BOO!

I flipped out. Completely lost it like the time dude tried to police me on The Greenway.

Sir, you know that dog's supposed to be on a leash.

Mind your business.

I didn't curse or anything! Had he only dropped it right there and shut his big fat mouth I wouldn't be interrupting my own self right now in the middle of a big fat poop story but n0Ooo, everyone thinks they're a hall monitor.

You know what you're doing is wrong, sir. You know what the sign says, sir.

He said that...

Let the record show I've since practiced. I'm rehearsed now and it won't happen again.

If you understand the difference between pet and service animal, I'll entertain this conversation. Otherwise, I'm minding my own business, you should consider doing the same.

Is what I'll say next time dot - dot - dot.

My sign says mind your fucking business!

Dammit!!

I lost it. Really hate it when that happens.

I feel terrible about it, still. Seriously. Wish I would've handled it differently but, more often than not, my initial reaction is sharp. Whatever, I'm a work in progress. I've since practiced and, whad'ya know, haven't crossed paths with a hall monitor since so, anyway, I overreacted yata yata.

Disrespectful, rude, inconsiderate—called her all those things and what's she do?

Stormed out the bathroom, that's what. After she finished, of course. Meanwhile, I'm on standby desperately fanning for fresh air trying to focus on the shower head or the fan or anything other than her ass—pow!! slammed the door and cut the lights out.

Make your own breakfast mortherfucket!

Yeah, she did that. Shit on my shower and now I'm the asshole. In the dark. Only made breakfast for one, too.

Nah, not really, she reads every one of these things.

<3

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