It's All in The Wrist
An exclamation point can really make or break a sentence, ever notice that! _ ?
B-word!
He didn't say b-word, he called me the real one, the one that rhymes with ditch. I won't say that word. I've already explained several times why DanDays won't say that word. There's two words in the English language Pura's never heard me say or translate, recite, et cetera and never will. The other one rhymes with digga.
[B-word] you're from the 1900's!
How am I not supposed to laugh at that? I can't be expected to maintain composure in a crowded queue when dude breaks me off with a clever insult. "1900's.." I AM from the 1900's! Funny. I laughed out loud and accepted defeat.
Good one. Remind me to never compliment your fake ass tarantula eyelashes again.
Not really.
That joke's based on actual events.
I was in the grocery store yesterday is what happened and saw a little girl on top of a 10 foot ladder changing light bulbs in the ceiling while her colleague, a dude working register, had fake tits and acrylic fingernails. I saw tarantula eyelashes for sale like the ones the girls in England glue to their face and was like, I know there's a joke here somewhere.
High! _ ? I'm not Dan. You don't know me and these aren't numbers. I give zero fucks about someone I've never met dismantling their own reproductive system, in fact, I encourage it.
I'll sharpen your knife!
When I was a kid, we rolled up our pant legs and shaved lines in our eyebrow's. Now, they're androgynous and identify as improper English. Be like me, encourage that shit!
In the span of 30 years, we managed to evolve from high-water parachute pants and Criss-Cross stylists to everyone gets a trophy and gender discrepancies at the Olympics. At this rate, all we gotta do is stay alive another 30 years and they'll be chopping off their other head on Netflix.
I say dust off the guillotine's! _ ?
When the dermatologist asked me to list the current medications I'm taking and I said 'none,' they looked at me like I said I identify as a wet deck.
Sir, it's confidential, we respect your privacy. In order to prevent complications, you're required to disclose your current medications.
None.
None?
Correct.
The whole office stopped what they were doing to see who said it, "NONE? _ !" In disbelief like I can't make up my mind and now I identify as a shirt.
If only I could fix myself as easily as I can fix everyone else.
And be in two places at the same time, that would be cool.
Whoever said everything's bigger in Texas never went to Tennessee.
East Tennessee's 30 miles from us, we went to a wedding there a couple weeks ago. Gorgeous wedding. Massive plot of property the brides' parents own with dozens of horses and other wild life and a river running through it. The newlyweds exchanged vows in the middle of the river. Surprisingly cool day for July in The South.
I've been to a bunch of weddings, iHeart weddings! Hashtag CostumeParty. Pura and I are undefeated in best dressed at however many we've been to. I always warn the groom. It's only fair. If they're going for best dressed, they best bring the heat.
I am.
My thoughts vary widely at a wedding. I'm all over the place from 'congratulations' to 'who are these people, nice venue, Mmmm cake!! I'm getting some tonight for sure, I'm hungry'—all over the place.
Not in Tennessee. Never crossed my mind. I'm looking around; middle of the river, behind me, over where the caterers are, +/- 100 people to my left and right like..
Maybe I need to eat more.
Am I not eating enough?
When's the last time I weighed myself?
That's probably why I needed a new belt.
Maybe everyone else's chair is smaller than ours.
I'm hungry.
Missed the whole ceremony!
We go there regularly—Knoxville. Atlas's vet is there, I get the oil changed in the cars there, gimp golf is there. It's what I call disc golf—gimp golf. Look, I'm out there throwing frisbees on one leg and my homeboy Chris throws with one arm. He's the dude I told you about back in 2020 when we were locked down in the UK and he got caught in that wood chipper and lost his arm. Hashtag GimpGolf. Fuck yourself if you don't like it. I've since started a notepad called Welcome to Knoxville, wanna hear some?
Knoxville, Tennessee. Welcome to Knoxville where all that separates Sunday Service from The South's Largest Adult Superstore is a left turn.
Knoxville, Tennessee. Welcome to Knoxville where if you ain't white, good luck with that!
Knoxville, Tennessee. Welcome to Knoxville where Parking Here For Emergency Vehicles Only means wife drop-off.
Knoxville, Tennessee. Keep going?
Where Mtn Dew and Moon Pies come from (that's not a joke).
Neither is where drugs are weighed in pounds and people in kilos.
Knoxville, Tennessee. Welcome to Knoxville where consistency means Friday or Saturday.
Knoxville, Tennessee. Welcome to Knoxville where they're so big they don't get cold! _ ?
Alright, I better stop or we'll never get invited to another costume party.
I once said I'll put my mouth up against anyone and didn't realize how poorly I worded that til it was too late.
My wife graduated Summa Cum Laude from UC Berkeley in California. That means she graduated top of her class with a 3.9865 GPA. She hates when I do that—brag about her.
Test taker extraordinaire, reads umpteen thousand words a day, law degree, real estate license, yata yata, super smart. And a knock-out! I'm The Luckiest Guy I Know.
Just don't ask her to load the dishwasher.
Doooooood! _ ?
She will throw things. Things will break. "Why don't this fit?! We got the wrong size dish washer!" I've heard it all.
"I don't know why they make these stupid things! What's wrong with washing dishes by hand?!"
"Stupid frying pan!"
Or drive.
When I drive or ride shotgun with someone, anyone, even an Uber, surrounding drivers have command of the road. I can talk on the phone, change the song, enjoy a conversation, never a bad time for conversation when it's just you and the Uber driver and the house is 20 miles away. Not Pura.
No one can drive when my wife's driving. Roads are congested with incompetency when she's behind the wheel. Even traffic going the opposite way.
"Nice turn signal, asshole!"
"GET OFF MY ASS!" She exclaims while vehemently scolding the rear view mirror with her finger.
Look out!
I yell at the rapidly approaching brake lights in the windshield to which she yells back at me in a voice that only comes out whilst behind the wheel of an automobile:
YOU-WANNA-FUCKING-DRIVE?!
Honking and turning red and cursing and pointing and..
(I do most of the driving)
My microwave has express cook times where if you need 1 minute of heat you just push the #1, one time. Same goes for 2, 3, and 4 minutes because nothing's worse than needing 1 minute of heat and not enough time to press 1-0-0.
Last but not least, I'd like to give a special shout out to Covid. Hell yeah, Covid.
Before you, only pizza and Amazon delivered. Now, I can get whatever I want from wherever I want delivered to the door by noon. You rock, Covid!
A pair of shoes two sizes too big from Target, check
Home Depot—shovel, Quikrete, check, check.
Tarantula eyelashes from Aldi, check.
12 gauge shells, latex gloves, ski mask from Walmart. Check, check and check.
Raspberry smoothie with an extra shot of ginseng from.. yeah, right! Smoothie in The South, 'ok.' You'll have better odds finding naked doubles Paralympic tennis players. Order a smoothie around here, they'll send over a soft serve ice cream.
To the door! _ ?
Cheers, Covid!
Why do women who do well academically and career-wise not like house chores?
I should add attending a wedding in Tennessee to my bucket list. I'd like to be in a position where I question if I have eaten enough
What's wrong with not being on any medications?
Well, well, this is a pleasant surprise. Hello Sabrinah.
Funny, right? She's a brilliant person. Any sort of dialogue or debate with her is a lot of fun. Just don't be anywhere near her if she can't find her phone—yikes!
You better invite me! _ ?
I know. "Hypocrites!" God is great and then wash down an antidepressant with wine.
That was fun, you. <3 Don't be a stranger.
Smile. I'd show up more often but I am shy.
Everything about the system boils down to, Hello, can we make some profit with this?. It's not that they really care about us.
Shwhat? But it's just us here.
Hey, you post at neoxian.city, yeah?
Shy of, "What if I say something stupid"?
Yes, I participate in the monthly contests (required to post to the frontend)
And I am active on the Discord server.
Why did you ask?
I won't tell anyone. = }
Out of the authors I follow, you seem to be in-tune to them the most. I can't sign in there through my iPhone, any idea why? I'm all up-to-date and it's a pretty new phone.
Says they're accessible to everyone with android and iOS but I just tried again today, this post actually, I can't sign in.
I don't have a computer. Or a TV, if you believe that.
Any suggestions? Thank you.
The frontend or the discord server?
The front end. I don't do discord, it's done me more harm than good.
I have neoxian.city opened in my Keychain right now. When I enter my handle, et cetera, it just pauses. Won't sign me in.
It's ok if you don't have the answer but maybe you can point me in the correct direction. Appreciate the help.
One thing is sure. It does take a while to load on Android.
But I will tag one of us who uses an iPhone and logs in comfortably so she can offer suggestions
@abenad, please help here. Thank you.
Please refresh about 3 times and let me know
Because mine works just fine
I logged in after taking this screenshot though
I tried again.
Hello, appreciate your help. I've been trying to get in there for a couple weeks now. I'm def the least tech savvy in this conversation—warning! = }
I let it do this for three minutes:
That red wheel thing just turns. But I can't get anywhere.
Maybe you could try refreshing the app itself?
Like close it totally and remove it from your opened apps. Then open it again and try.
That worked! Finally. Much thanks for holding my hand. Tech savvy is so not my thing. I didn't even know what I hyperlink was before steemit. Something as simple as reset the app held me up for weeks. Lol. Cheers @sabrinah
Ohh I’m glad it did
It’s good to be doing that a lot with your apps. Keychain especially.
I am glad it worked 🥰
Thanks @abenad ❤️
You’re welcome ☺️
Hi. Check me out responding in neoxian. Did I use up all my questions? = } Is there a notifications thing somewhere?
Thank you. Again.
Posted using Neoxian City
Smile. No, you did not use up all your questions.
I can see you posted through Neoxian City. Congrats.
No, there isn't unless you go through replies. Like I did on mine.
Posted using Neoxian City
Entertaining read, thanks :D
My pleasure. Let me know if it doesn't entertain and I'll kick my ass for you.
lololol will do!
Ever since 2016 exclamation points have been known as Jebs around here.
Clean up America❗️ Get rid of the bushes❗️
Hehe. Where do I start??
Never thought in my twenty-odd years that I'd see a statement like this. The world has indeed gone cray cray. And the silly Olympics performance is only the beginning.
And I don't know which had me drooling more. The delectable lady to your right or the equally delectable lady to your left. That's one mean ride you go there friend. Also, I must have seen the wrong post cause you don't look like the picture I saw there... thankfully. Lol
And again this, hehe, I think I've developed a crush. Sounds like someone I'd love to have conversations with for sure. Plus all the other
pleasantscreaming... she's a bundle of joy, undoubtedly.When I say I'm The Luckiest Guy I Know, I mean, it's cool and all, has a nice ring to it, rolls off the tongue or whatever and I know it's not always easy to take me seriously but I'm serious. I have to do little to nothing to look presentable, just show up with her on my arm like HERE I AM, DITCHES! = }
Thanks @jhymi, always nice when you stop by.
Gorgeous couple you two!
(I love exclamation marks!!)
I'd love to be a fly on the
wallwindow and watch your face when Pura's driving!Weird to think Covid did some good; another benefit is that many office workers still work from home part of the week.
And that! AND it's totally acceptable now to walk into a bank or post office in a surgical mask. Heck yeah, Covid!!!!!
You'll wish you were wearing a seatbelt. Bzzzz. = }
Thanks Lizelle. Tough to look bad when I'm with her. You know I enjoy me some Lizelle time. You're the only one who, if she's here and I'm responding, I say Lizelle's on my phone and she says "Hi, Lizelle!"
<3
Holy crap Dan!
You look like Jeff Berwick in his younger years or at least his baby brother in that so posh and long due photography. ;o)
Whaddup man! _ ? Been awhile. Not gonna lie, I clicked that Berwick like that's a good lookin mufuker. = }
I know you just want another picture of me..
A good lookin mufuker indeed brother. Although you looks a bit younger than that mufuker! ;p
What do you eat that you guess, kid? You're starting to scare me with your divination black magic. But nonetheless, this new visual souvenir for my glamorous collection of personalities is much appreciated.
You just like my Double Windsor. :knuckles:
Of course, your Double Windsor and how tight it is around your neck with that stunning red suit.
👍@dandays
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!WINE
Thank you eii.
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These damn doctors offices asking stupid questions. No medications? No, I'm not a fucking wimp. I take my coffee straight, not with a pound of sugar and dash of heart disease, thanks.
My wife SUCKS at loading the dish washer.. the thing is half full and plastic on the bottom that ends up melting. What the hell is hard about loading a dishwasher when you've got a masters degree?!
Nurses me to health when I'm down and navigates us around the world and back, just don't ask her to roll up the cord on the vacuum! _ ?
Whaddup. Rubik's cube ain't got nothin on a dishwasher! Funny. I don't know what it is about those things but yeah, just as you described.
My last two surgeries. I said, don't worry about it when they wrote me a prescription for pain meds.
Never picked them up and, here I am, alive to tell about it.
Crazy!
Hahah ya vacuum or carpet cleaner for us 😂.
My dad takes a ibuprofen at the first slight discomfort, I'm glad I'm cut from a tougher cloth it seems.
I'll take an ibuprofen if I have a bad headache. Has to be pretty bad though. They work good. And Claritin works great for allergies.
Nice to meet you! You look great together. One day I read that saying bad words is a sign of intelligence and honesty... however, as words are almost like the clothes we wear it is also good to choose the right ones for the right moments.
Stay healthy!
Bad word like, work! _ ? Yeah, I don't fiddle with that word. = }
Hi. Thank you. I don't have to do much to be presentable, just show up with Pura and we're elegant.
Good thing she thinks I'm funny!
Hahaha... you're really funny, yeah. 😄
It's good to see your better half has an adrenaline pump ready to get a dose straight to your heart should all the excitement of being the luckiest guy that you, me and possibly the whole world knows, finally brings on a coronary.
That's thoughtful.
What's the model of car please?
Anyway, I also feel the need to enter the 'Danday's Doppelganger Game'...
Admittedly, a little older but at least you can see how you're going to look.
Have a marvellous weekend, and keep up the great work with the dog's dinners.
There's Martin. I went looking for you a couple times, nice to see you. I'm sure you're aware, Martin is an A shy of Martian. And autocorrect had Martina—true story.
1930 Bentley 8-liter.
That's a helluva good lookin dude, I'll take it!
Much thanks sir. We all say things like I hope you're well, hope you and yours are well, the things we say..
I mean it.