The light comes through the cracks

Hello World of Hive! It has been a while since I last posted. To be honest with you I have not done anything spectacular during this break other than trying to get my spirit together. I had to readjust to the reality of coming back from my one year adventure in Denmark and it has not been easy. I felt down. I barely painted. I barely did something to remind me of my old self. I continued to read and make bold plans and think of a strategy for long term. But the reality did not match my plans. Tattoing seems like a faw away dream now. I have to summon all of my strenght to somehow collect my ashes and have the Phoenix- Me get Me-post-Denmark out of it.

I looked back at my life and remembered all of my moments of strenght. From where I was to where I am. A reminder of who I am at my core. I try to shun away the negative words and voices telling me all sorts of negative stuff. This includes my own and also the hurtful ones I have received from others along the way.

I ponder at human nature, wondering what can make people thrive or fall into gloom once that cherry on the top hits everyone and puts them on their knees. I do not know. My personal bet is on faith.

I have forced myself into making a bodypainting just because I wanted to get back to a safe space. That of my creativity. It is also soothing for my body to feel that brush as I have recently discovered that I can feal fear or panic physically in my body, a feeling which did not came upon me before and I had a night when it was difficult to soothe myself.

This is where Helas, my new llama fluffie helped me a lot. A companion which will never leave me.

This painting is about the yellow filled- with- lights cracks inside each of us. A part of us which rises to the surface in the context of darkness.

Only through the dark we can spot the light. Only when we are under pressure or under immense trauma, bullying, abuse, yelling, solitude, bankruptcy, failure, death, disease, loss, debt ,we can discover our deepest unresolved wounds. Parts of ourselves that we have repressed, forgotten, tried to delete or accept/reject. We discover our inner child trying to cope with feeling rejected not only by our parents, former romantic partners, coworkers, friends, but by ourselves!

This bodypainting is about the coldness and warmth within us , the potential versus what it is. The acceptance and the desire for a better version of ourselves. The good and the bad. The past and the future. The present.

I realize that we become what we choose and the wolf that you feed grows the strongest: the wounded self or the true self, which wants to heal and shed the inherited behaviors that drive us subconsciously. As I have illustrated in this painting a lot of the unsaid, the unspoken, the unexpressed can make us withdraw and repeat a past self that we are not aware of.

I could not help but think of Kintsugi, the japanese art of repairing broken ceramics. The bowl one would think to throw because it is broken...some would choose to repair and that new object becomes art, becomes stronger exactly where it was broken and fixed. This is a beautiful metaphor for our soul , our relationships , our wounds. Instead of discarding we can rebuild.

I have a vision for who I want to become and I try to make steps in that direction, no matter how small. Right now any progress matters.

Oh, , Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on

'Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
Here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known

P.S. I had a short moment of "revelation" in Denmark when I restored a previously deleted wordpress blog I kept for years. I used to write in english there. Until one day. When I clicked restore and felt the need to put my feelings in romanian, my mother tongue, in there. That content will be romanian only and I choose not to translate anymore. For whoever is romanian amongst my followers I invite you to read the romanian Mary there. Thank you!
https://maryhasnolamb.wordpress.com/