Stephen Grosz. The examined life. Book review

Are you gay? This is one question that few women would dare to ask their husband or their boyfriend and be ready for the answer.This book made me see the topic of sexuality in a completely new light. In my country there is still a lot of prejudice around this topic and I am not mistaken to say that many men and women would rather die than coming out of the closet and admitting that they are bisexual or homosexual/lesbian.

But my focus in on another detail. Why is a man gay/bisexual? What made him reach this conclusion and what happened to him? The same question I would have in my mind for a lesbian woman. I am walking on mined territory with these questions and I know that today one can be sacrificed on the altar of human rights if any word rubs someone in the wrong way. I am deciding to write anyway.

The book written by psychoanalyst Stephen Grosz The Examined Life. How We lose and Find Ourselves is pure , raw, sincere depiction of the tribulations of the human soul. To be more specific, I would now conclude after reading it that any suffering of the soul is the consequence of a flawed family system. A consequence of generations of caregivers who did wrong to their offsprings, consciously or not. It is my opinion and you can take my word for it or try to find it on your own, if you dare to look deep into you soul and into your family history.

The book presents the sessions that Stephen had with several patiens and their stories. He also had information post-therapy, years after someone has visited his office. It is remarkable to see how someone has lived their life years after the traumatic events have been talked and retalked in the therapy sessions.

I like the sincerity and the introspective nature of the author. This book showed me how tough it is to work with the human mind, how exhausting it can be on the spirit and how it is inevitable to be contaminated with your patient’s energy. Their wounds might stir up your own , this reminding me of the concept of vicarious traumatization that Miriam Akhtar talked in her book about post-traumatic growth.

One particular story caught my attention. The story of Professor James R. A 71 years old former professor, married for 44 years with Isabel. His story goes like this: when he married the woman, he put his sexuality in a box. But after his father died he took it out again. One visit to Manhattan and going to a sauna turned into short-lived romantic relationships with the men he has met there.

I pause. I wonder: did he always knew? How about his wife?

I turn back to reading.

His wife knew that he is gay. Stephan asks him how did he discover. Well he was always attracted to men, had fantasies about being with a man. But he never dared to act on it.

But the further the sessions go, there is a strong epiphany happening: the wounded part of James who longed for the embrace of his cold, distant father, who often had sudden rages, was healing through his sexual interactions with men. His sexual orientation was a method of healing that part of him that longed for this. So I wonder how many bisexual or gay men are actually unhealed and I also wonder if their sexual orientation would change if they would heal this part of them consciously. The moment James has this “A-ha” moment is beautifully written by the author:

As he spoke, I saw again his memory,his pleasure in holding a man – his boyfriend stilled, calmed in his arms – and also being held for as long as he wanted. And I asked him if he thought part of the power of being held by a man was that it undid the rejection , the pain he’d suffered from his father. ‘I feel my father looked into me and he didn’t like what he saw. That afternoon I felt the opposite of that – I felt at home’”.

Two years later Stephan finds out that James died peacefully at home, in the presence of his wife.

Just moment of pause. And reflection. I realize how tough it must be for a man to hide that he is gay. That he maybe feels atttraction for one of his male friends. That he secretely watches gay porn and finds solace in that. I realize how much misery a gay man could cause to a woman by making her life miserable not because she is not right for him but because he doesn’t have the courage to admit his sexuality and holds her captive in a dead relationship, tormeting her. I realize how a lot of men are trapped in marriages with women when in fact they long for a male embrace and how frustrating and how angry it makes them feel. I realize that sexual orientation is not something you are born with as much as something that develops within you because of the interactions you have with both of your parents. I wonder what impact could therapy and healing the inner child could have on the sexuality of a man or a woman that longs for same sex sexual intercourse. It is a fascinating topic and one that could definetely be explored, if it hasn’t been done already. There is another fascinating story about a woman who was married for years and on the brink of having another baby just to make sure she kept around the nanny that she had an affair with. Spicy, right?

A lot of puzzle pieces got into the right picture for me after reading this book and particularly this topic on sexuality. I believe that the hardest challenge is to be with a partner that does not admit to themselves their own sexual orientation and, the worst, have no idea why they are as they are. I also understand the power of fetishes and why they are, in a way, a form of healing and getting what you could not get as a child emotionally.

Life is in the same time so short. And hiding your sexuality while screwing up other people in romantic relationships is truly a waste of time. But what wouldn’t a person do in order to run from themselves?…

What would I dare to say to a bisexual, gay or lesbian person after reading this? I would say that life is too short and that you should dig deep in yourself and in your interactions with your parents to understand the early dynamics and get a glimpse as in why you feel the way you do. But it is unfair to pretend to be heterosexual and screw people over because you are angry, “in the closet” or completely in denial about your orientation and act like a “bitch”. We all know what that means.

In the same time I realize that every person holds on to a story about why something happens to them. And the analyst helps them find a different perspective, a different road to their mind. The story we tell ourselves change the way we choose to behave, the decisions that we take.

The book is magnificent, I could not stop reading it in one single day because it is satisfyingly mining the human mind for questions and answers that both parties long to discover.

Some of my favourite quotes: