nut job

The identity dilemma.

Out of colloquial habit I almost called it a crisis. It's not, though. On a typical day, whether running around or sitting on my ass, who I am is exactly me: perfectly comfortable and requiring no definition. But put who I am into the context of dating and I thrash and drown in a sea of ambiguity. Gay, straight, bi, androgynous, cis, trans, nonbinary, fluid, monogamous, poly, ethically non-monogamous, free, what the fuck am I??!!

Besides nuts.

Yes, I know. I KNOW. The right person will like/love me for who I am regardless of how I identify and shack up. God. Shut up. I get it. I mean, I have to get it, right? Considering everyone seems to fucking have someone, and I'm not just talking about the oh-ok-you-have-a-gf-never-mind crushes. I'm talking about the wtf everyones where one look at them inspires the kind of judgment and disdain that makes you ashamed to be inside your own head. The kind where you marvel at how the fuck this slob loser has a giggle-and-touch-in-public buddy and you don't.

What? No. Seriously, don't even start. Spare me your speech about my judgments of others being an indication of how harshly I judge myself. I'm not in the mood. I don't need you telling me how the shame I feel for being messy at home or behind on the electric bill makes me the slob loser, and that I need to let go of this stupid idea of "being ready" to date just because I am afraid of getting hurt and hurting others while I figure out who I am and what I like. I know people get hurt when they date, that it's a part of the process. I know that serving my true self butt-nekked to the next person with whom there is a mutual attraction poses the risk of crushing disappointment and/or looking like a complete asshole. I mean, come on, why else would I be pussyfooting around with this identity bullshit if it wasn't for an absolute lack of confidence in who I am as a dateable person?

And FYI it doesn't help matters having this voice in my head like I'm some kind of nut job...

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