Mommy's mental health: chapter 28-taking back the reins-part 4: 10 things I've learnt this year

Gosh it's been a hell of a journey since I started this sideline to my mental health series. It was supposed to be an accountability tool for me to measure my progress as I finally got help for my injured knee and started adopting a more positive attitude to my healing, increasing my activity levels, embracing my gifts and talents and being grateful for my blessings.

Boy did I have no clue what life had in store for me. I'm now writing from the other side of what I hope us the end of a series of unfortunate events... Or perhaps better defined as what-the-fuckeries....

I've learnt some damn hard lessons.

1. Mobility is a blessing. I can't believe I gave up so many opportunities to be active. Not being able to walk on the beach, hike or dance, sucks. Royally.

1. Mortality is closer than we think. Somehow I think we all hope that we and our loved ones will last forever. Although our logical mind tries to prepare us for the eventuality of death, none of us is ever fully prepared to lose a loved one.

1. Hurt people, hurt people. When people are in pain, they act out if character and lash out. They disengage. There us nothing you can do to stop this. The only thing you can do is get out of the way. Even if it breaks your heart. Being someone's emotional punching bag does not serve you or them.

1. People who commit to you can abandon you and break promises. From my professional life to my personal life... This has become horribly apparent. Not everyone is guided by the same moral compass and some people are willing to throw other people under the bus without so much as a blink of an eye or a smidge of remorse.

1. My mother is human. I think many if us, especially in our teens and even into later life, hold our parents to such high standards that it's no wonder they fall off the pedestals we set them on. My mother went through hell to be the best mother she could and I spent far too many years being angry and bitter that I didn't have the childhood I deserved. My father's death was an absolute mindfuck. And truly... It made me realise how much time I've wasted being angry with my mom for just being a human being. I don't know if there is another person on the planet who would have survived what she did and still retained her dignity, sanity and compassion. I'm so grateful that I carry even a tiny bit of who she is with me. I also realise that my time with her is limited. She is coming down from the UK to see us for Christmas and I intend to make it through most magical Christmas we've ever had.

1. @zakludick is my forever person. In sickness and health... For richer or poorer... Through tragedy, trials, wins and celebrations he has literally carried me. I have never felt this loved and safe in my entire life. And in a way that's terrifying. Brene Brown speaks of forboading joy... Where we seek to diminish our joy before we experience it as a type of armour to protect us from experiencing pain. I did this a lot when Zak and I first started dating. Let's be honest here. We're both divorcees and come with our own pain and baggage and ptsd triggers and when you've been through what we have, there are shadows on the wall everywhere. Zaks unwavering love and dedication to keep has taught me to open up completely... Be completely vulnerable and wholehearted. Because as scary as it is... In love and life, none if us has time for halfhartedness. If we want to feel pure joy and real love, we have to accept that hurt and loss will be part of the package and that's where that old cliche saying comes in "rather to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. And..... Although this is not an engagement announcement... A week ago, I did buy a dress. Because Fuck it. He's stuck with me 🤣 and it honestly just fell into my lap.

1. Showing up makes dreams come true. If you don't go, you'll never know. @jasperdick has been a phenomenal musical partner and friend who never allows me to shrink into self doubt and us constantly pushing me to be the absolute best version of myself that I can be. I never would have dated to imagine that my musical dreams would become reality. Every time we are on stage, I truly am living that dream.

1. Accountability and adulting are necessary evils. Whether it's staying into of your insurance if taxes, making sure you take your meds or being responsible with your time and finances. You are the only person who is going to look after YOU. NO ONE can do this for you.

1. It doesn't matter how many times you fall down. What matters is that you keep getting up. Being a mother means quitting is not an option for me. So here I am... Starting to try to regain control of my body and mind through counselling and physiotherapy: which now includes swimming!

1. Remembering that the only constant in life is change. Once you make peace with that and learn to go with the flow... You'll hurt yourself far less than you would by digging your heels in OR sticking your head in the sand.

Here's to starting over. Again. Because once you stop learning and growing, you may as well be dead. And I still have too much love to give and too many dreams to reach and every step of the journey whether excruciatingly painful or blissfully joyful is part of the gift of life.