Mommy's Mental Health - Chapter 37: The Waiting Game

So, life has changed drastically for me as I have, not very gracefully, removed myself from the rat race and started to attempt to work from home. Thanks to the incredible encouragement and support of my wonderful partner @zakludick and friends like @lex-zaiya (who mentored me) and @jusipassetti I had the guts to even try and I amazingly passed my entrance exam/ test assignment. It's tough now though, as landing your first few gigs is the hardest. I believe it gets easier like after the 1st 5. You have to encourage people to believe in you, even though they can see that you are new to the platform. It means choosing topics I'm passionate about and then selling myself as the best author for the job. This is a tall order for someone whose self-worth has taken so many knocks.

This is actually, surprisingly, where the gift of parenthood, as well as being a wife, actually comes into focus as motivation. It's not just about me. It's about them too. My kids are watching how I deal with adversity. I allow them to see when I'm scared, but it also means I can't afford to stay down. Being honest about my emotions good and it helps my kids realise that they too are allowed to fall. The lesson is what you do with yourself when you do.

No, I have not been dealt the ideal cards, or have an endless supply of generational wealth and times are tough. The pressure is on. Somehow I've got to turn that around to motivate me instead of allowing it to make me feel like I'm drowning.

I have put myself back on the list for counseling and I start pain management physio on the 5th of Feb, which I'm thrilled about, but I do feel like I have gotten myself a bit stuck in a rut. I'm too tired and sore to get out, socialize, and even go swimming even though I know these things will help me to feel better. I'm battling with creativity as I grapple with unnecessary family drama and grief.

But

Every day this year, in every aspect of my life, I AM moving forward. Even if some days are bad and it feels like I'm not getting anywhere. I know I am.

I don't want miracles here, I just want to feel safe again and feel like I know where I'm going.

My goals are

• to get my first 5 projects done and then upskill so I can earn more per word.

• Investigate other earning avenues like Upwork

• Increase my engagement and activity here on Ecency

• Record singles and possibly an EP for radio release this year with @jasperdick and get my butt back on stage, and experiment with new toys

• Regain financial stability and get the 3 institutions who are supposed to be providing me with assistance to actually pay up so I can cope till I'm on my feet

• Look after my mental and physical wellbeing

• Create and maintain healthy boundaries with people who trigger me, without being cruel, but ensuring I protect myself and my family

• Make time for meditation and therapy

• Make time for beach walks and rest

• Do my best to be a better mother and wife

my wonderful husband person

seemingly endless pile of books to cover for school

*look how excited I was to be at the parent-teacher meeting last night 😂 *

• Be kind to myself

• Believe in myself and allow myself to dream and reach for realistic goals

• Plan my future with my wonderful husband person

• Finish songs and get creative with writing new content with @jasperdick

• Go for those collaborations with other musicians who want to remix some of my old stuff and work on new stuff outside of MobeyDick

• Make peace and let go of that which I cannot control or change

Tonight, I am taking the night off to go drink cocktails in a pool with my bestie. It's been too long! A part of me is actually still trying to back out of this, but I am not letting myself do that. I need this. My blanket fort will still be here when I get back.