💔💜💝Mommy's Mental Health - Chapter 86- Navigating The Darkness Through Art - And Finding Light Again💔💜💝

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It's been a rough three years. Probably the darkest of my life. The kind of darkness that is completely devoid of light... hopeless and drowning. I don't think the people I have confided in have really understood how dangerously close I was standing to the edge.

These memes appeared on my Facebook newsfeed recently ad just hit the nail on the head...

The counselling centre I was attending said that I need t go see a psychiatrist for roper therapy, but since I don't have the money for that I'm stuck with government health, which is just a nightmare.

@zaludick has been incredible... and when I feel like I've fallen down the well of depression, knees and arms scraped from trying to climb the rough, cold and slippery bricks and falling down again and again he is there every time, his arms reached out to pull me up. The warmth of his love completely engulfs me.

I am so grateful. For him, and my children. they literally save my life every day, without even knowing it.

I didn't choose to be this way... and it's not a matter of just ... changing a switch to just suddenly not be depressed or in a state of mourning, but I need to find a way out.

I've spent far too much time thinking I would heal if I could just get back to where I was three years ago... before my life was decimated... but like other versions of myself, that Claire is no longer me and I have to accept that I am who I am now. Instead of working to go backwards, I have to use the tools, love and support I have to accept me for who I am now and let go of the anger and sadness that has been eating me alive.

My mother and I have also become extremely close … realizing that we are all that is left of our family. I am so proud of her. She has been forced into retirement by chronic nerve pain and has found herself in a similar position to me, but all alone in the UK. One of my biggest fears is her passing away alone up there... but look at how she has been channeling her emotions and processing her sense of loss and anger. I am so proud of her for delving back into her art. She is extremely talented.


My aunt and I have also become extremely close. Especially after my dad passed away. My dad's sister was born exactly a year after my father. They were almost twins and were very close. Their parents, my grandparents, then took an enormous gap in their relationship, including a divorce and then reconciling and remarrying. They then had my other aunt and my uncle, almost 12 years after the birth of their older siblings.

My aunts were very close and they all lived together in a lovely big home here in Cape Town, but sold the house and immigrated to Australia. The whole lot of them; my grandparents included. As time wet on, something went horribly wrong. I am not even sure what it was, but the two sisters had a fight and to this day, do not speak to each other. Even when their brothers died just weeks apart, there was no reconciliation. Look at how my aunt has channeled her own pain into these beautiful creations:

I relate to this so much as my own sister has said very clearly that she wants nothing to do with me and I do not have a sister anymore. I remember having a conversation with my sister, many years ago, where we promised each other that nothing could ever turn us against each other like that, but here we are. Losing her has been like losing a part of myself, like an amputated limb. It's taken me months of fetal position sobbing to start to let go of her. Loving her and holding onto hope is destroying me... and my family too. I have to break free. I channel my pain through music. As sad as this song is, I find that once I have created something from my darkness, I find light in connecting with other people who have similar situations and relate to my lyrics. I am so grateful I found my music again.

In My dreams - Written by Claire Mobey and Performed by MobeyDick at Andy's Club 3.0


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"In My Dreams" - Claire Mobey
Performed by Claire Mobey and Jasper Dick at Andy’s Club Take 2

Ooohhhhh Ooohhhhh
In my sleep, you are all I need
While I lye dreamin', there you are with me
My dreams ain't got a good sense of the time
And they can't count the years wasted, gone by

Cause in my Dreams
I know it's all a lie
And in my dreams
You never said goodbye
No matter how hard I try
I can't stay asleep, I'll die
Even though I know that's how you'd stay with me

Ooohhhhh Ooohhhhh

You brush my hair and pin a butterfly
You see my soul when you look through my eyes
I'm fast asleep but I know it ain't right
I shut my eyes, yeah God I squeeze them tight

Cause in my Dreams
I know it's all a lie
And in my dreams
You never said goodbye
No matter how hard I try
I can't stay asleep, I'll die
Even though I know that's how you'd stay with me

Ooohhhhh Ooohhhhh

I feel the air movin' across my face
As you whisper "I Love You" in an embrace
The harder I try to hold onto you
The more you fade away, just like I knew

That in my Dreams
I know it's all a lie
And in my Dreams
You never said goodbye
This time I swear that I'll try
To stay sleep although I'll die
Cause that's the only way you'd stay with me
Cause that's the only way you'd stay with me

Cause in my Dreams
I know it's all a lie
And in my dreams
You never said goodbye
No matter how hard I try
I can't stay asleep, I'll die
Even though I know that's how you'd stay with me

Ooohhhhh Ooohhhhh

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Congratulations
You received an upvote ecency

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You've been through so much!

I don't know much about depression, but is there an element to it that is a brain chemistry imbalance as well as the emotional trauma? (Apologies if this question is insensitive or wrong, I'm just wondering if it helps to think of depression as something that is happening to a person as opposed to something that a person is going through or is.) I'm glad both you and your Mum have found artistic avenues for therapy... it's so wild to me that money is such a stressor and potentially when we all need help the most is when it is also most unavailable to us due to cost.

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That is actually a really good question. There is still to much smoke and mirrors around the subject of mental health. That's kind of why I started this blog... for me and for other people who are also struggling. Whatever your diagnosis is.

I have chronic anxiety and depression as well as something called CPTSD which stands for complex post traumatic stress disorder which is common in people who have experienced multiple traumatic events.

Depression can be hereditary, absolutely, but obviously it can also develop due to trauma or abuse.

Either way, the brain either loses the ability or has never had the ability to regulate serotonin and various other hormones like the stress hormone, cortisol.

Without regulation, people with bipolar tend to swing between too much serotonin and then too much cortisol and then have long periods of exhaustion.

With depression, your brain does not produce enough serotonin (the happy hormone). With anxiety, your body over-produces cortisol (stimulates the adrenal glands causing panic) making you constantly feel like you are in fight or flight mode with panic attack's. In between panic attacks, I find myself absolutely drained and exhausted, and then there comes a time of depression and dread where one feels like tI can't even leave my bed.

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Thanks Claire, this is extremely helpful, thank you. I've heard of both serotonin and cortisol but wasn't aware of their relationship with depression and anxiety so this makes a lot of sense to me.

I remember a guy at work whose wife was going through PTSD saying something like "... if it was me, I would just choose to not be sad..." and even at the time where I didn't know anything about the brain chemistry side of things, I knew that couldn't possibly be correct.

The brain is so so so complex, but I'm glad humanity seems to be making some progress into understanding the various elements of mental health.

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I've always been fascinated by psychology. They do say most therapists become psychiatrists or psychologists because they are trying to self-diagnose - which you should never do by the way. However, knowledge is power and understanding how both internal ad external factors can affect our mental health is pivotal.

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I am sorry that you have been going through this for this long. I think your music is a type of therapy for you. Focus on the light and the things that you are grateful for. I'm praying for you as well.

Take care my sister!🤗💜🌹 !LADY. !LUV

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Thank you for your beautiful words of love and light. I need them very much right now.

!Luv
!Lady
!Hug

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