Mommy's Mental Health: Chapter 33- A Reunion of a Life Time

So those of you who checked out my last mental health post Mommy's Mental Health - Chapter 32: The 20 year Highschool Reunion will know that I was absolutely dreading this and I literally even picked a fight with poor @zakludick the night before so that I'd have an excuse not to go. Sorry babe ❤️

I went to bed that Friday night, determined to find a good enough excuse to send to my friend, whom I hadn't seen since grade 9, who agreed to meet me at my car and hold my hand the whole way, a good enough excuse for me not pitching up. My knees... by back... whatever. Anything would be better than having to confront my 15-year-old self and go visit the place where my dreams were both made and lost.

It's no secret that high school was a colossal disaster for me and saw me drop out halfway through grade 9 (although I did finish my matric through correspondence just before I turned 20).

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

It was the place where they put little me, the only grade 8 into the school's biggest musical production, held at City Hall, where I sang solo: "Sweet Dreams" by the Eurythmics in front of the whole school and all the parents. It was an absolutely pivotal moment for me as a singer. A full jazz band/ orchestra, the giant 200-year-old 3 story Organ as a backdrop, in this absolutely mind-blowingly beautiful building. What a privilege. If I ever find photos or footage of the evening, I will share them here. But, I, a little nobody, received a standing ovation that night. It planted a seed in my mind that kept me alive... through all the utter horrors, the dark year to follow, the failed relationships, the abuse, the shitty jobs and even covid. IT lit a light in my heart that literally nothing was able to kill. Even when I'd lost myself, that moment was etched into my heart.

Classical Pops 2019: source

After that incredible moment, I had a few more highly successful solos with the music department, until I was gripped by an eating disorder, depression, assault, and addiction the following year.

As I said in my little speech, Westerford both made and broke me. It certainly made me into the woman I am today. But I'm glad to see that they have really come a long way in terms of student support and mental health awareness. This just didn't exist then. I just can;t understand how no one saw the signs and no one reached out to hep me when I was drowning. When I stopped showing up to bad practice and was to depressed to find joy in anything, no one came to look for me... and I fell between the cracks into what I can only describe as hell. Well, I suppose that's not entirely true. I also described it as the "dark year."

I donned this title for the worst year of my life as a coping mechanism because I was unable to speak about my experiences without being horrifically triggered and it leading to total shutdown.

Through this blog and through incredibly successful EMDR psychotherapy (which is primarily focused on PTSD), today I was able to have a full conversation about some of the most horrific and hurtful things I experienced, without getting emotionally overwhelmed. Today, I realized just how far I've come. And I am so damn proud.

So back to the reunion, I was invited on Facebook a few months ago, and I was like "Oh, hell no!" and then I got an invite to join the WhatsApp group about 10 days before the reunion and I was like "omg oh absolutely hell no"... until I started seeing the videos come through. As I mentioned in my post above, the utter vulnerability and authenticity that came through was just mind-blowing.

I couldn't believe how many of us struggled. How many of us who weren't A students or in the A team for sports, just fell through the cracks and suffered terrible psychological damage?

And then, there was a lot of sharing about what has happened to us all in the last 20 years.

It was so beautiful to watch everyone talk, and cry, and try to herd their children out of the videos or chase their dogs. It was all just so human.

So I did. I promised my friend that if she was going, I would go. Hoping it was a safe bet because she lives in Canada. Little did I know, she was already here, getting ready for her wedding in a few weeks! So when she said how much she loves and misses me and offered to even meet me in the parking lot to be my emotional support animal... I was like "dammit! Well, I HAVE to go now."

So back to the evening before the reunion, poor Zak had a Warhammer tournament on (planned eons in advance), so he wasn't able to join me. And as I said, even though the poor guy had planned this long in advance, I tried my best to not make it my fault that I couldn't go and blame someone else. Not one of my proudest moments.

But you know what? I woke up on Saturday morning and I was like, I have to do this. I want to do this. And I called my Uber and off I went.

And what an absolutely phenomenally beautiful day it was. I do not think I have ever been hugged that much in one day. There was SO MUCH healing and catharsis as each moment replaced a bad memory in my mind. It was everything I could have possibly hoped for.

As a result, I have reconnected with some of my most special friends, I have the opportunity to get involved in theatre and possibly have some gigs lined up for @jasperdick and I next year. Thanks, Jasper, for your part in bullying me to go 🥰

I spent Sunday nursing sore muscles and terrible sunburn - thanks @lex-zaiya for the horse cream 😍😍- but it was all worth it for the massive amount of love I felt in my heart and for all the healing it brought me.