Mommy's Mental Health, Chapter 103: Accepting That Healing Has Limits And My Last Ditch Attempt to Reach My Sister.

There have been a lot of Mommy's mental health posts lately.

I didn't plan it like this...

It has just all come bubbling to the surface

With the jump start to South Africa's #16daysofactivism against GBV, led by the shutdown on Friday, I told my story. I didn't realize how much it would take out of me. It was like an exposure therapy session, but without the exercises and the safe space. I just let it rip. And fuck, it hurt.

It's no wonder I have been experiencing side effects like panic attacks, exhaustion and nightmares.

I read a quote somewhere this week and it really stuck with me: "I've reached a point where I think I am as healed as I will ever be. Now I have to accept it and learn to love the parts of me that will never be ok again."

Before I made my post about my personal story with rape, sexual abuse and GBV, I was already reeling from a video I'd made a few days before.

Two weeks ago, I was starting to heal from a very very difficult period in my life, and celebrating a month at my new job. Then I was hit with the news that my sister skipped the country 6 fucking months ago. While I was suicidal and had just a glimmer of hope in the back of my mind that I could just drive to her and find her and somehow make it all better, she wasn't even here.

I am broken with loss and grief for my relationship with her, but I feel even worse for my mother. She probably won't see Kim again for the rest of her life. She returned home from the UK a few months ago, after doing a last nursing stint to pay off debts, because her physical health finally gave out.

It's fucking hard to see my mom like this, especially knowing that her heart is even more broken than her body. I am angry, so damned angry, that my older sister has left me to pick up the pieces.

When that Godawful day does come, I know I'll be alone, planning her funeral and putting her to rest. In the meanwhile, I also know I will be without my sister's support as I watch my mom slowly decline and fight to find money to look after her.

I have forgiven her so much over the years. Granted her so much grace. But I don't think there is any coming back from this.