Love didn't hurt, it taught me

Hello everyone, trust we're all good.
It's been a while here and I thought to come share this experience with you all. It's an experience that taught me and helped me grow, I do hope you enjoy it while you read through.

Right from high school, I've not been the type that keeps friends around. Should I say I'm better off staying alone for some reasons? Though, I barely had friends when I was in high school. Yeah, if I can remember, I had just two friends, and not like one of them was really close. She was just someone that came closer when I was appointed as the Head Girl.

So, after my secondary school, I felt like, yeah, I was supposed to, should I say, do better or something like that. I barely had friends in school, at home, or anywhere. I was always alone. Most times, there was no one to talk to, just me, myself, and I. So, at some point, I made up my mind that I was going to change this part of me, that I was going to do better. Yea… that was really the right thing to do, I guess.

When I got admitted into college, it was one of the things I had in mind coming to school. I was ready to open up. I was ready to be loved and to love, and I wanted to embrace new relationships. Yeah, that was the right thing to do. I just wanted to open myself up because, at that point, I felt like, I was being too uptight. Maybe I was. So, I decided that I was going to give myself that opportunity to go into new relationships and all of that.

I remember coming into school for the very first time, confused like a sheep that had lost its shepherd. At that point, I knew I needed someone to at least tell me where to start from because I was just a newbie. Not only me, there were other newbies around, but they resumed way earlier than I did. I resumed later, much later, very late. So I needed someone to at least tell me where to start from, to guide me and all of those things. I was so confused that I didn’t know where to start from because I hadn’t even been able to maybe make a friend in school from home, which is what some people actually do, so that when they come to school, they just connect with them.

Coming into the hostel that night. I think I stayed for two days without knowing my left from my right, but I just kept going, going, and going. Not like I really knew what I was doing, I was still confused inside. Then I met this girl, lovely, welcoming. Should I say, she matched my energy? Not really, but somehow the vibe was there, though we were not really flowing, for the first few days. Truth be told, the most exceptional thing about her is that she was very brilliant. Brilliant and smart, which made me feel so less, despite the fact that I was too but she always said “I'm better than you”. That didn't bother me, because I thought she was.

This brings me to a part of me I realised was not so good very much later in life. I think we shouldn't have the mentality that anyone is better just because you're not where they're yet. I know that there are levels in life but that shouldn't justify the fact that a lot of us tend to feel less when we're around our peers. Always know that you're the best of your kind, and nothing should change that.

So you know….I’ve always loved people that are focused and have the same vision as me. Those are the kind of people I love to keep as friends. I saw her as a 10. There was this joy I got coming to school and getting what I wished for, that was it when I got to meet her in school. She really was good with helping me out.

The funny thing was that at that time I didn’t even have a smartphone, which made it very difficult to sort out a lot of things myself. So, you can see, it was really a time that I needed help and she really, really helped me. I had the best moments with her

We went on, I gave the relationship my whole self. It was worth it anyway
Weeks turned into months, and we were good.

At a point, she started distancing herself from me. At that time, it seemed like I was forcing things. I got the silent treatments, days I’d call or text, but I got no reply. To me, it felt like she thought I didn’t meet up to her standards, I guess. Still, I didn’t want to give up. I always thought I was wrong somewhere, but I wasn’t. Sometimes I felt like quitting, but that didn’t seem like a good idea. I was into the relationship with my whole heart, and that kept me going.

I remember approaching her to ask if I did anything wrong, but I always got the same answer, “nothing.” I was constantly bothered about the whole thing, but as I kept growing, I realized something, “there are some relationships you just have to let go of for your own sanity and peace of mind”.

I had sleepless nights just because I was always thinking about what the problem could be, but it was nothing, though.

At some point, I stopped trying. I stopped forcing conversations that no longer flowed. I stopped chasing the version of her that once made me feel safe. It wasn’t easy, but letting go gave me peace. I learned that sometimes, people come into your life just for a reason, it could be “to teach you something”, “to help you grow”, or “to prepare you for what’s next”.

She taught me patience, she taught me vulnerability, and the strength to love freely, even when it hurts. But she also taught me that not everyone is meant to stay, and that’s okay. At least for the first time I tried, I have no regrets. In the end, I found something even more important “myself”, and that's cool by me.

Shalom