The Sacrifices We Make

In order to keep a fire burning, something must always be sacrificed in exchange for its vitality. So, I ask you: what sacrifices have you made for the privilege of your flame?

If one wants fire, then one requires a sacrifice. A fire is at the expense of a being's life, often until it is completely extinguished. Whether the sacrifice be a tree, an animal, a home...

For me, mine is my body: I am sacrificing my body for the creation of new life. By this, I mean that I am pregnant. It was my greatest wish for the longest time, and every day I give thanks to God for blessing us with another child.

(Pregnant with our firstborn child)

At the same time, I will not sugarcoat this. I will also do my best not to exaggerate... Pregnancy has been, without a doubt, the most challenging experience of my life -- that's right, I'm not exaggerating! Of course, there have been blessings, in big and small ways! I have been able to carry two healthy babies full-term, I can feel movement in the first trimester, I have never dealt with stretch marks...

But over recent years, I have not been fortunate to experience "calming" pregnancies... My last two pregnancies were full of suffering. I had hyperemesis gravidarum, intense morning sickness -- at one point, for the entire 9 months of my second pregnancy. It was throwing up every 3 hours, with or without food. Sometimes it was out the other end -- often times, it was both ends at the same time! Couldn't eat anything without getting nauseous. Could only sleep 2-3 hours at a time. I practically lived in the shower. The emergency room, at least 6 times throughout 9 months.

By the time it was all said and done, I had actually LOST weight, WITH a baby in my belly, and had retained only 5% body fat.

(Pregnant with our second child)

Then, without hardly putting any weight back on, I was pregnant again barely a year after giving birth. This baby, unfortunately, did not survive... I blame myself most days, for refusing to look before leaping...

A fire requires sacrifice! I know, I know...

This time around, at what we are estimating is 8-weeks-old -- I am in the best spot I have ever been! I have not thrown up once!! (Although another sickness is making its rounds!) I can eat food!? without getting nauseous?! without throwing up every time?!! I can actually be present with my children this time. I can go out for extended periods of time and not have to mentally note where bathrooms are.

I know how extremely blessed I am to be experiencing this. My prior sacrifices have shown me how truly miniscule the rest of my problems have been in comparison. Then, to be able to experience this lightness...

I thank God for giving me the answers that I needed (which, if you're wondering, is B VITAMINS!) I pray that we reach the end of this tunnel together, as a family, where our flame will burn ever brighter.

(My fourth pregnancy now, thank you, God!)