Growing up, I did not plan life, I'd say life planned me. I have never for once written down goals because I am more of a go with the flow kinda girl.

You know how people plan out how they want their life to be or turn out? Well, I never planned mine.

All I know is that by 23 years, I'd be married to a wealthy man and start having children. Well, even though he's not rich, I'd be married to a man that we can create wealth together.

This mindset of mine made me hurt so many times and if I wasn't such a dogged person, my life would have been meaningless because I was bent on fulfilling that dream of early marriage and starting a family at the expense of everything else.

So the moment one relationship ends, I was hoping to the next. Another thing is that, I feared being alone and felt I always needed a man to be happy.

I think I became the toxic one and all my relationships were just following one particular pattern of constant quarrels, blanking and breakups.

I was miserable, I was unhappy, but I was still holding on to my dreams such that, the moment I get in a new relationship, I am already planning marriage in my head and the number of children we will have.

Not only that, but I am already planning the type of house and the cars we would have. Furthermore, I never knew this sort of scare the men, but none of them told me, they'll just start acting weird until they eventually blank me.

The pattern continued until I went for my National Youth Service.

Then I met Ekene and we quickly hit off and few weeks into dating, I was already talking about us being a power couple, starting up a business empire and growing old with our children.

He responded fine, heck! He was even excited, I was excited because finally, I have found the man of my youth who is just as intelligent, young, good-looking and on the same page of life with me.

Our relationship was going well until Ekene started switching on me. It became constant quarrels, but I still managed because a little disagreement here and there is not coming between me and my dream man.

When Ekene saw that despite the quarrels and him switching I wasn't given up, he came with, he is at a cross road and needs to focus more on Jesus.

I was confused and could remember asking him if I was the devil that is coming between him and Jesus. But he said I would not understand, that he just needed space.

I was hurt… No, I was crushed. I felt I wasn't loveable, I felt not good enough you know?

We eventually ended things and as we got done with our service year, we all went our separate ways.

Fast-forward after some years, a mutual friend called us both on WHATSAPP conference call and said he never liked how we ended off because he was seriously rooting for us to end up together.

He said we should sort things out and if we still feel the need to hit off the relationship again, we should go for it.

Ekene and I spoke, and I had just one question which was, "am I such a terrible person? Or am I so unlovable that he could not love me back?"

Well, what he said changed everything for me….

He told me he did love me and still do, but the whole thing got scary for him, especially when I talked about us getting married and having children. He felt I was going too fast and it scared him.

I smiled and that was my turning point.

I became intentional about myself, I realised love doesn't cut it.

I switched on that mentality I had and started my journey to being independent. I have never been happier.

I started planning life and then life started happening for me.

Dear Young self,
Love is not enough.

Dear Young self,
Life doesn't plan itself, you do the planning and the executing, then life will happen for you.

Dear Young self,
You have to first find happiness within you, be self-sufficient, then a man becomes a plus, not your entire life.

Dear Young self,
YOU ARE ENOUGH.

All images are mine

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This post is a response to the Ladies of hive prompt 1
If you had the opportunity to offer guidance and wisdom to your younger self, what insights or recommendations would you share?

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Posted Using InLeo Alpha