THE SILENT TRUTH BEHIND I AM FINE

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On this very day I didn’t plan to say anything at all, I was just very tired and needed to rest but the heat coming from the sun that day was like the gate of hell was opened up by God just to punish us a little for our grandfathers sins. I had to put on the no the noisy fan in the parlour the one that hums so loud and makes everywhere uncomfortable but you just have to endure it for the sake of the heat to avoid being cooked by the sun. The noise from the fan kept interrupting my thinking.

Tunde my friend came in and asked “how are actually doing “ and sitting there I asked myself when was the last time that I actually answered genuinely I have mastered the act of saying am good when actually am battling chaos inside me. Just then I remembred an unread text from my friend Lucy , I remember holding my phone in hand when her message came in asking about me and I just ignored it. Each time I put on my data the message pops up like a hunting reminder.

I realized that I had spent a lot of time mastering the act of saying I’m fine when am not. That night I lay on my bed starring at my phone by 3am, darkness swallowed the world around me except for the glow of my phone screen, the noise from the fan kept coming like it was sent to blow sleep away from me, earlier on I said I would reply lucys message , I tired so much to come up with what to say think of what to say to her but the words kept falling me over and over again.

It should have just been a brife message but I didn’t want to lie again , I even practiced in the bathroom just in-case I bump into her so I would know what to say , but I already knew I would go speechless if we finally meet. The truth can never be practiced or rehearsed, it comes out unclean and raw, what really hurts most is the breakdown that comes after opening up to someone that your not fine and admitting that your really hurt, how your voice changes and shakes as you express yourself fully.

That moment when you are so scared to utter the next sentence not knowing where to look up to or a shoulder to lean on. Was it when my aunty stella told me during my grandmothers burial and she said “my child you didn’t have to keep earning with all your achievement. Her words didn’t sink in immediately but it actually deed and it gave me hope to keep living and breathing . I think honesty comes to play and it demands vulnerability which is very scary and terrifying, I have always being thought that it is very dangerous to be open to people because of personal insecurities. A lot of people are just waiting for you to crack so they find something to talk about. And eventually its in the human nature to reach a breaking point at some point in life. Something I always tell people is ‘people would never act or respond exactly the way you want them to and that is something we don’t have control over. At the end of the day you have opened up and that is all that matters.

So I decided that somethings are better talked about openly and not over the phone , what if I text her and she dose not respond and I will end up regretting every word . well I know that all my rehearsal in the bathroom didn’t go to waste, the word is more than just a perfect speech. Although the words were not exactly what I rehearsed in my head but it helped. The words where more than just words from the heart , the words came from a heart that needed to be happy and they were worth more than a million I’m good and I’m fine that wasn’t true. But like we all know that life is not perfect and dose not ask for perfection , it only wants honesty and courage. Even in a busy and noisy night with a noisy fan humming along into the night.

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