The Hard Way

This time for the #weekend-engagement, I can answer two questions with one argument. Pretty cool, except the combination of questions is a bit weird.

What about yourself do you have trouble accepting or acknowledging and why?
Have you ever found yourself being unkind to, or hard on, yourself? Explain.

I've been quite hard on myself because, though I really don't like that, I learn the hard way. I like to think it's getting better, but that might be just arrogance and wishful thinking discussing my obvious brilliance in my head. The two of them sometimes get drunk and then loud and then things happen that really teach me something - if they hit me hard enough, bob-wired-baseball-bat-style.

It's not that I resist change, I really love change. I like adapting to new situations, as I'm usually quite good at taking advantage through fast acting. I like emergency situations and crisis, that's where I really shine (should've put that in my last contribution...). I adapt quickly to new circumstances, but I seem to learn only in those situations. When I'm on the edge. When the bloods drawn and stones flying.

It's hard for me to accept that. I try to be as coherent as I can, and being open to learning new things without any resistance is part of what I'd like to be. Not acquiring new skills, but really deep learning, comprehending, that stuff that changes your behavior significantly (hopefully to the better).

Lily is teaching me a lot of things about that. Her living with me is forcing me to learn earlier, I'm forcing myself to do so. And I'm resisting myself, too, so sometimes I'm really hard on myself. I believe I have to be, that it will in quintessence make me a better father, if I really learn and not just superficially fulfill the task.

Take drinking for example. I like to have a beer in the evening, but a) it's not a healthy habit b) I don't want to project it to Lily as a habit and most importantly c) I don't sleep as well when I drank in the evening, even if it's just one beer, and then it takes away energy that I need the next day. So, I'm controlling myself a lot about that. Weekends only (Friday counts as weekend).

I'm prohibiting myself a lot of things in the name of coherence. I'm definitely not being kind to myself on some levels - but it does bring reward on others, like the positive effects it has on me and my environment. Or I hope so. Sometimes I seem to over-estimate the effect that I have, in order to justify that I'm working so hard on myself. Seemingly. There's always that doubt. That I'm just pretending to be working on myself, that I'm acquiring the skill, but am not really coherent.

But that's okay. If that is the case, there will be a bob-wired-baseball-bat waiting to have its swing at me. Fair enough.