A 7 year chess match.
In the beginning of 2019, when Lily was just shy of 6 months old, her mom took her away from me. It started with her suing me for alleged psychological violence, which was a front to keep my hands tied. It worked nicely, though I tried really hard to have the case move forward quickly, so it would be dismissed. But Ecuador doesn't work that way.
Then, around one month later, we were supposed to meet at the market in Ibarra, so I could spend some time with Lily. They didn't show. My stomach immediately raised alarm, and it didn't take much time to confirm - they had left the country.
I went into active shock, running around, trying to find out what to do. The answer from all sides was clear: Nothing to do. With the lawsuit over my head, she had created the perfect excuse, which was confirmed by a mutual friend who sent me screenshots of conversations. The legal way to recover a child would take 2 years, if lucky, and only if knowing where they are, which I didn't.
She's with her mom, so it's no problem.
The apathy of the system was brutal. The mother is considered the fix point of a family. Fathers are expandable here, with very few rights - which is understandable, given the amount of irresponsible progenitors. But as so many times, there's no room for exceptions.
At least you don't have to pay child support now.
Said one of the police officers at the DINAPEN, the police in charge of child protection. Oh, the irony!
I fought windmills for 2 months. It was horrible, the darkest time of my life. At least I had some contact with Lily, but a 6 month old over the phone - that's not much. I send voice messages, video messages, trying to have her not forget my voice.
There was no end in sight, and my therapist finally suggested to start mourning. To treat this as if I lost my child. She was alive, yes, but seeing her again? That seemed highly unlikely, given the hostility I received from Lily's mom.
So, I did. I started writing a blog, without publishing, like a diary. If Lily ever was to read it, she would know that I never abandoned her. Her real name is rare enough, searching it she would've found the blog if I published it.
I also went to my last Ayahuasca-Ceremony. I had done many until them, but the last one was the most powerful. There's a lot of rules to consider for those ceremonies to be effective, and one of them is to have a purpose. Mine was:
I want to be able to forgive.
I knew and felt that was the first step for healing. Accepting, as hurtful as it was. I didn't have any visions in that one. I sat silently on my bed in the tent with the others, while the shaman was playing music and reciting prayers, with the fire slowly burning down. I thought. I felt. I stared into the fading embers, until they were stirred up again.
In the morning, I sent Lily's mom around 30min worth of audio messages. Something inside me had loosened up. I now saw a path, a cruel, difficult and painful one, but I had the feeling that it would pay off. One month later, after she asked me to send her money for the trip back. And then they were there. I had my daughter in my arms again.
It didn't stop there. The next 6 years were as expected, full of opportunity to grow, to euphemize it. And I took those opportunities, each one. I re-arranged my life several times, always finding a way to stay a present father, solving every problem that the mother threw at me, no matter how complicated.
One year ago, Lily moved in with me. Little by little, the relationship to the mother improved. It's no friendship by any means, but enough have Lily feel comfortable. After 7 years, my strategy bore fruits.
The story has way more facets to it, of course. I did my share of mistakes as well as Lily's mom, and I'm no angel in this. That does not excuse the actions that were taken against what I perceive as the best for Lily. I just want to make clear that it's not black & white. What matters most is that we're making progress.
Post written for the #weekend-engagement by Galenkp inviting us to answer selected questions in the Weekend Experiences community on Saturdays.
This is my response to:
What is the most complicated situation you've dealt with that has worked out in your favour? Explain.
@stickupcurator Any particular reason you're down voting my posts?
That's not a good question:)
Downvotes are typically disagreement on rewards. You have no control on votes. Upvotes or downvotes.
Just like you don't ask why someone upvoted you, you shouldn't ask why someone downvoted you. If you ask again the. I am training you in vain :)
Well, I hoped for some constructive feedback. The pattern was more like I thought, that it was random, but if there's a slight chance to get information to improve something, I'd rather do that. I never get an answer though, on the few that I got.
I usually put that in the posts, too, as a line on the bottom. Both sides of feedback are always welcome.
Wow, that was a difficult situation. Now Lily lives with you thanks to your perseverance, driven by immense parental love.
It was the hardest situation. Now it's a little bit better, but it's still complicated. Things can change in a heartbeat, as a father as very few rights here. If her mom decides, that's what happens.
Those moments when you realize that she had left with your daughter and you may never see the latter again was probably quite hard to sit down and process. Humans are really unpredictable creatures and sometimes we need to do our level best to find common grounds and work on building through that for the betterment of both parties, especially when a child is involved in the process.
"Quite hard" is an understatement. For me, it was the worst experience so far. The only time in life that I was not able to see any light at all, no lesson to be learned, no way to go on. It was a very, very dark place.
And yes, children should always be the focus, the main part to consider. It's not their fault.
Right! I wanted to say "brutal" but wasn't sure it was fitting in this context. I can only imagine here or try to relate remotely. Hopefully, this phase will never be repeated :)
Brutal would've been very fitting in my opinion :-D And no, I hope that it doesn't either. The good thing is that I was able to work through that trauma, and it hardened me in a way that I wasn't as easily to blackmail. Around half a year after coming back from that first trip, the mother told me that she was going to move to Colombia, and either I gave her permission and was allowed to maintain contact and even follow them, or I'd never see the little one again. Back then, it worked like a charm. She tried similar things like that afterwards, too, but the more I worked through it, the easier it was for me to say "no".
I already had gone through hell once. I was stronger than I though, and strong enough to do it again. And those "no" accumulated, ironically, to a better relationship in the end. Limits are important.
Yes yes! That's the blessing in disguise with going through hard times, they extend what we're capable of tolerating and new understandings are picked up on the inner workings of human nature ;)