2 years back

There was a picture popping up all over my "social" media last week. It was a beautiful one, Ellie and I look happy, we're at a friend's wedding. But it's also a reminder of one of the worst weeks that I had in my life.

I was in the middle of a burn-out, and trying to get out of it. That week was my rock bottom.

It started out with my brother buying a car. He didn't have a visa in Ecuador, so I had to do everything on my name. It's hard to arrange it otherwise because Ecuadorian law requires the civil status, and German passports don't include that. And since my brother doesn't speak much Spanish, I had to deal with the seller, too, who was a little incompetent regarding today's digital state here. Two days running around.

That didn't leave much time for the renovation of my driver's license on Wednesday, nor to practice for the theoretical test that involves. I don't like being unprepared. I did rock it, of course, but it was stressful.

Then came Thursday. Oh my. The turbine for the convection fan broke in the oven. Luckily, after the main baking was done and Diego wanted to roast some almonds for me. The technician came, but it was at least a 3 day job. And we had to bake for the next day. I drove around like crazy, trying to organize a new oven, and finally found one for $2,000. Luckily, I had that much flush, so I paid cash and the oven got delivered. A piece of crap, as it turned out, with a lot of failures built in. But we made it work for 2 years, and it's going to be replaced, soon.

Anyway, in the middle of all that stress, I get a message that my flight to Cuenca was cancelled. Ellie and a friend were already there, so I switched to a bus, meaning that I had to leave a lot earlier on Friday to be able to arrive for the wedding on Saturday. Leaving the bakery somewhat functioning, of course.

I somehow made it. The bus ride wasn't fun, I arrived in Cuenca at 4am. At least Ellie was able to let me into the Hostal where they were staying, so I caught a couple of hours of sleep. Just to notice that I had forgotten the trousers of my suit. By that time I was only capable of nervous laughter, put on the jeans, and off we went.

The wedding was awesome. We had a lot of fun, it was over early, so we went for a night meal into one of the many vegan restaurants in Cuenca.

The day after the wedding, hungover and tired, I took the bus from Cuenca, where the wedding was, to Vilcabamba, where I visited Lily. The anxiety took over, and I trembled and cried in silence for a while. Then I fell asleep, and was something like asleep when I arrived. I woke up in the next days. Little by little. While hugging Lily, watching her play, going around the village with her, picking her up from school.

That wasn't the life I wanted. Feeling so bad all the time, hurting meta- and physically. I was 34 years old, and turning my body into a wreck. I was a strain on all my relationships, moody, always tired, hanging on a threat.

It took me around a year to sort everything out. I started meditation. I stopped drinking alcohol for a while. I though about my priorities, and rearranged my life according to them. I hired an administrator. I went on an surprisingly profound journey into my self. I focused on eating more regularly and according to my body's needs. I did all the small steps as well as the big steps.

And I'm all the happier for it now. I don't feel bad when this memory pops up, but grateful and somewhat happy. It's the dark places that remind us of the light, the suffering that enhances the pleasure.

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