CNF #137... I Had Something Else Planned

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“I swear, it just wasn’t intentional.”
That’s all my mouth could manage when Sarah confronted me in the middle of our corridor. Her eyes were looking tired, not angry though, just hurt. And that eventually made it worse.

“You did promised me you would be there. You said it was important to you as well.”

I slowly looked away, because the truth was hard to hold eye contact with.

I had something already planned. That was the excuse I gave. A prior engagement, it was Something I couldn't cancel.

What I didn’t mentioned was that my *"prior engagement" was me sitting in the comfort of my room, scrolling through photos of the past, trying to feel something other than the weight that had followed me all the week. I didn’t have much words to explain that sometimes, plans aren’t people or places, but emotional recovery. Sometimes, the mind just shuts it's door and won’t let me leave.

But try telling that to someone who really counted on you.

• She had earlier invited me to speak on her behalf. A speech, just a few words, at her graduation thanksgiving after fully attaining the height and confirmation as a professional tailor. Nothing fancy. She said she really trusted me more than anyone else.

And then I blew it.

“I had something else planned,” I repeated again, but softer now.

“What could be more so important than showing up for someone you say you care about?”

I sluggishly wanted to answer. I wanted to scream, "My head was really spinning, Sarah. I couldn’t even breathe without feeling like I had disappoint someone.”

Instead, I stood there, quiet and ashamed. While she walked away.

That very night, I was just starring at the ceiling and rehearsing the things I should have said. I even wrote a little 💌 message, typed and then deleted it like ten times before leaving it in drafts.

“It was not like I didn’t want to be there. I just could not manage both you and the version of myself I was fighting that very day. I chose silence. And that was a big mistake.”

But at the end, I never sent it. It felt like another weak excuse for me.

I keep wondering 🤔 and still hope she’ll understand someday. That life sometimes isn’t always a matter of showing up, but of sincerely trying to hold yourself together in the moments no one sees.

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