The Thinker's Corner : Apologizing.
Hi everyone!
This post is my contribution to The Thinker's Corner 2nd challenge.
The prompt is:
When dealing with people, it is not uncommon to do or say something that someone else would find offensive. Most people would apologize at that point to avoid drama. However, is there ever a scenario in which you will choose not to apologize for something you said or did?
Think and tell us what that situation would be all about. Why wouldn't you apologize?
Photo by Steve DiMatteo on Unsplash
As I've gone through life, I think I've gone through the whole spectrum of how to approach apologizing. There were times when I would be super Canadian and apologize for everything, there were times when I never, ever apologized because I thought it made me look weak, and I think I've now settled somewhere in the middle.
I'm happy to own up to my mistakes and apologize when I'm wrong, but I'm also not going to let others guilt me into apologizing.
I am honestly, getting pretty good at not upsetting or offending people. I work hard to not make jokes that could be misconstrued or misread over text, I try to approach conversations thoughtfully and I really do try to see where another person is coming from.
However, I do also get into lots of arguments, on Hive and on social media when I think people are deliberately trying to boost misinformation... and I've had some absolutely huge arguments that last for several days. It's exhausting, and I know I might not change the individual's mind, but I'm often writing for any passersby or casual observers who need more accurate information.
I legitimately think misinformation is the biggest problem facing humanity at the moment.
Thinking about it, the scenarios I'm happy to apologize in are:
- Situations where I'm wrong or have done something silly
- Situations where I hadn't intended to hurt someone but did because I didn't take enough care
- Situations where someone needs help but I can't (or won't) help them
Scenarios where I wouldn't apologize are:
- Situations where I really do think I made the correct choices
- Situations where I feel like the other person might be trying to weaponize my guilt
One particular instance I was super stubborn about not apologizing was with a friend who would make a lot of plans with me... and was always late. I have weird anxieties about punctuality, and so I'm almost always on time if not a little early, for everything.
I figure if people plan to meet at a specific time, then that's the time to meet, not 20 minutes after that time.
So this friend was always, always late, and to me it felt like she didn't respect my time. In hindsight, she had plenty of her own anxieties that caused her to be late, but still, I don't think that excuses it.
Once I was waiting for her at a cafe, she was 20 minutes late so I left and turned off my phone. She was incredibly upset, devastated honestly, and it became this whole big thing with us, but eventually her behaviour changed and she tried really hard to be on time. She wasn't always successful but I appreciated the effort.
I do think she wanted an apology from me, because she was so upset, mostly for turning my phone off, and I'll admit that wasn't super mature of me, but I did want to make a point. I wanted her to value my time as a part of valuing our friendship.
I think it's important to set boundaries and be ready to defend those boundaries in every single one of your relationships. Don't be cruel about it, but it's very okay to stand by them.
So how about you? What are you happy to apologize for? What wouldn't you apologize for?
Thanks so much for reading...
Sometimes it is easy to apologize when you make wrong decisions than for you to apologize when you make the right decisions
In Nigeria, there is a very popular saying that we refer to as "African Time". This means that if an event is meant to start at 2pm, those who flow with "African Time lifestyle" show up for it by 3pm.
It has become such a popular lifestyle to the point where hosts of events say an event is by 10am but they hold back from kicking things off until an hour later.
Now, anyone who tries to work at the right time is seen as weird. However, I had some fallout with a Youth organization last year because of this African Time pattern. My time is very precious and I don't ever enjoy being late for an occasion. However, if I schedule an hour for an event and notice that everyone is trying to work with an African Time, once I exhaust the time I scheduled for it, I stand and exit the event.
The youths of my parish didn't enjoy it when I did that last year and I didn't bat an eyelid. We have another meeting coming up this Sunday and I can't wait to see if they still want to start this New Year with their latecoming lifestyle.
Thanks so much for joining us in this edition of our challenge.
Yeah, I've heard of African Time... and it really creates an awkward situation... because anyone who does show up at the correct time, then probably has to wait until everyone else turns up... which means they probably won't be on time next time.
Definitely appreciate you staying true to your timing... and I wonder if people could offer incentives/prizes to the people who arrive on time to start to teach people that the time something starts is the time that it starts.
Thanks for creating this challenge, very thought-provoking.
That's true. This whole African Time approach to events probably started with one person's late-coming approach and it has blown into a lifestyle that's well-recognized in top-tier events, all over the country.
I believe some organizations offer incentive to those that stick with the time meant for an event. It still hasn't been enough to change the entire receptive approach people take towards late-coming. Hehe
I’d try to jump on this contest
Saying you’re sorry means you want peace and there are times when I’m even right but I still say sorry because I want peace
In cases like that, some people think you’re a fool for saying sorry
Many of us are defaulters when it comes to time surveillance. We are not time-cautious.
You put off your phone so your friend does not reach you sounds odd though but on the other hand, you have been able to make a great impact on her life.
I will always apologize when my actions cause someone to cry either positively or negatively.
I hate to see someone crying
I will never apologize for every word that comes out of my mouth when I discover you are trying to take my simplicity for stupidity.
#dreemerforlife
Thanks for your comment Juliana, I probably forgot to mention that I had waited for her to arrive late maybe hundreds of times before, and we'd had serious conversations about her punctuality... and so the time I turned my phone off, I had reached a breaking point.
I definitely don't like to see people crying, it can be heart-breaking to see someone so upset.
It's uninteresting when people guilt trip you into apologizing for things they should apologise for.
...and I have to speak the fact that some ladies do this and men too, but I have met it higher in ladies. They'd cry because and ask like damsel in distress when they are not. It is very despicable of them.
Your attitude towards your friend may have been viewed childish, but it did make her see your worth with her trial to be with you early enough. And that's how it should be. Never delay someone else witchy sending them a text to let them know why and also, it shouldn't happen at all time.
Hello dearest fashionable dreemer. It's another brighter day out here. TGIF! The weekend is almost here, which is a good thing for many. I hope you do have an amazing day because you are a star and deserve every minute of life goodness. I waltzed in from #dreemport, for I am an amazing #dreemer. An awesomely made #dreemerforlife.
You did nothing wrong by switching off your phone. Time is very precious to some people hence shouldn't be taken for granted. A lot of things can happen in the next one minute, so if you are making the effort to be on time, others should try and follow suit.
#dreemerforlife
I try not to let people down and I very rarely have to apologize. I apologize when I accidentally upset someone with something. My conscience forces me to do this.
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It's just so unfair how some people try to take advantage of others by not apologizing even when they are wrong, they always wait for the other person to do so. Finding a balance really matters and I'm glad you found yours.
#dreemerforlife
There are situations that the simple word of sorry solve the issue and I must tell you that a lot of relationships and friendship have actually crumble due to lack of apology
That's attention seeking behaviour.
"People are waiting for me. They're thinking about me. They're wondering where I am and if I'm okay. They're going to be so happy and relieved when I finally arrive."
I think that's exactly it... how else can someone be so consistently late every time?
She now likes you less, and respects you more.
Hahaha, funnily enough, I'm not sure she did like me less, she definitely put in more effort for years afterwards until obviously I moved overseas.
Asking for forgiveness doesn't make anything bigger or smaller when a person realizes his mistake. If a person asks for forgiveness and the other person forgives, then this thing is very good. Once again, they become as happy as before and people start living happily with each other again.
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