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Hi guys, growing up alone with a single mom always has a vacuum. No matter how hard the mother tries to wear the two shoes of a father and mother, a child always needs a father that will be available and there for him, come rain, come shine. My mom really tried so hard for me not to feel my father's absence in my day to day life. She paid my school fees from primary to tertiary. She supplied my provisions and clothed even when she didn't have much. Growing up, my mother used all her scarfs from her beautiful attires to make me beautiful blouses and fine short gowns. She tucked me to bed every night and prays wholeheartedly for me till date, but I still miss him. My father is not dead, he is alive but we didn't get to live together. I started visiting him when I got to year 4 in high school, a short visit anyways, that never filled the vacuum.

So when I entered into university, I was always praying for a male figure in my life, that will love me and always be there for me all time. A male figure that would cuddle me and not just say I love you but act it. I was looking for someone that I could call a friend, lover that will always be in my corner to roll to anytime.

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Back in primary and secondary schools, I used to admire how my friend's fathers would drop them at school and the roles they played in their lives but I didn't have choice over my background.

As heaven will have it, I eventually fell head over heels with a guy. Thank God, I had completed my education and I could finally got the father figure and the love, I had been looking for. My new found lover was a cute and handsome guy. He's a great and kind guy. I can bodly say he's the dream of many ladies and I couldn't just get enough of him.
Unfortunately, I didn't get to ask him what sort of engineer he was while we met. I guess, I was carried away with love. Since he told me he was an engineer. I thought it was that kind of Mechanical Engineering I know and I didn't have problem with engineering. Not asking him the nitty-gritty of his job sooner in our relationship worsen our situation because we had built a stronger bond.

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It was just the day we decided to have a deeper talk and plan our marriage that I discovered my lover work on the sea as a marine engineer. Hey! He follows ship around the the world and only comes home once in four-five months. God forbid! It was as if I had hearing problem. My eye balls were rolling as if they would come out of their sockets. Sudden coldness gripped my heart, I tearfully nodded my head, 'no way'. John could not understand my drama. He had become so shocked himself, because he could not bring himself to understand what caused my resistance. 'Hey, it's a good job, babe' 'It is a well-paying job' 'You should be happy for us'. John couldn't understand me yet. He thought I should be happy because his salary was very high. He thought that should be an indication for me that he would take care of me.

Truly, he did not know where I was coming from. If he did, he wouldn't have come to me in the first place. The job is great and I respect those into it so much, but maybe as result of my background, I didn't want it. I have been looking for a father figure in my life all these years. I never enjoyed that father-daughter relationship that my friends had with their parents. Just when I thought it was over and the time is here to feel loved again. My dearest said he was a seafarer. Haaa! What do I do with a man that doesn't stay at home, but comes home twice or three times a year. Then, It seemed what I was yearning for, would never come to reality. It so seemed like asking for a complete and available family is too much. I cried profusely, even if I could cope, I didn't want to cope. Living without my father was the life I lived for many years, that made me feel so empty and incomplete. I won't tread that part again. I know it's not good for a spouse to live alone, that is where I was coming from. John made a lot of money, but that wasn't enough. I loved John so much but that decision wouldn't have effect on only me. It could also affect our children. Daddy, wouldn't be available everytime. So, I thought if I didn't have choice over my background, I could have choice over my own marriage.

I however loved John and he loved me so much too, even though he could not leave his job for me, neither would I advised him to do so. It then dawn on me that I had to walk away from the relationship. My heart became so broken and shattered. It was really sad and painful but I ended my relationship with John. It was a good sacrifice at the end. I'm married now to another man and we're always there for each other and I'm also sure my children will appreciate having their father in their daily life.

Thanks for reading.

Source: 12&3

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