WHAT DO I WANT 🤔

Recently me and my friend were conversing and he asked me a question that really made me think, he asked me "AB (that's the nickname he gave me) what do you want from life, what do you want to do". I never expected that question, it came all of a sudden, after recovering from the shock and much thought, the only answer I could come up with at that moment was 'i want to be happy'. My friend is a goal driven person, he believes in making plans and being open about what he wants. He was definitely not happy with my answer and indirectly told me that I don't know what I'm doing with my life, that I'm lost.

I was hurt and angry but he was right I AM LOST. I later realize that he was coming from a place of help, trying to help me find myself and get serious because he felt I was wasting time. Everytime I look back at this moment I felt like for the first time someone can actually tell if I don't have my act together and I would beat myself up over the fact that everyone but me seem to have it put together, but now I felt like my answer was right, I should focus on being happy and living life as beautifully as I can.

Now all I want to do is read books that I don't understand but love, books that carry me away, that I am so lost in that I lose track of time, books that make me cry for characters that do not exist. I want to take pictures of everything I feel is; aesthetic, blurry, spontaneous, imperfect, pictures of the sky, grass and landscapes that would make memories. I want to sing so loudly, even though I am singing off-key with a hair brush in my hands in front of my mirror pretending to be a superstar. I want to pet my cat and pretend it is listening to me ramble about my day, my life and whatnot. I want to learn how to play the piano even if a I miss a key all the time. I want to find new music that I'll play on repeat because it understands me before I understand myself.

I want to wear a pretty dress that makes me feel like a princess and oversized shirt that swallow me whole. I want to make my own hair. I want to laugh so loudly, till my belly aches and I forget what was even funny in the first place. I want butterflies in my stomach, just when I think of you. I want to go to concerts and scream till I lose my voice and put flowers in my hair so I'll feel like the main character in a disney movie. Wake up for sunrise and stay up for sunset. I want to give people compliments and see as their face lights up. I want to write poems, letters and little notes to people I love and care about and make them feel special and loved.

I want to go to the beach and talk with the ocean and let the waves wash me anew. Tell people I miss them before it's too late. I want to go on long walks with no destination and just the sound of my music. I want to smile at strangers and watch them smile back. I want to play board games with my friends and tell them they are the best. I want to bake cake even though I have no experience. I want to watch rom-coms and pretend I'm not tearing up during the cheesy part so my brother won't laugh at me. I want to listen to the rain all couped up in my pyjamas. I want to do puzzle and eat breakfast for dinner. I want to hold hands and be connected with someone. I want wear sparkly clothes and go to weddings and surprise parties and have fun.

Sometimes it's okay to be a little lost, a little out of spark and I if you feel like you don't know what to do next, just live unapologetically. Just make sure that at the end of the day your soul is full.

It's still Abeegail ✨😊
Trying to be happy and hoping you had a good day too. 😊💗