The Girl Behind The Blue Gown

Hi, my name is Abby. I like blue more than pink. I like wearing shirts and pants, polo and slacks more than a dress. But there is a difference, I can like both genders. Yet, I can't be as bold as others.

I was born to a family that doesn't believe in having a relationship with the same sex. You have to wear dresses, skirts, and gowns since I am a girl. I don't have the chance to argue on what to wear since I didn't want to be scolded when I was in my elementary level. But there are changes as time goes by.

When I was in elementary school, I always kept in mind that I am straight despite wearing jeans and a shirt that makes me look like a guy. I even have a 10 year crush. Some of my fellow classmates tried to court me but I refused them. Until I graduated.

It was my first year in high school. I had a relationship with a guy. I was attracted to him. We lasted for a year if I'm not mistaken. That time, I thought there would be no changes. There will be no confusion. But, the relationship ended with a third party.

Then, I joined football. Since we are in a group of all girls, that's the confusion about my sexuality. At first, I was in denial. But as the time goes by, I feel attracted to girls while being attracted to guys. That's the time I have a relationship with a girl. We didn't last that much because of a third party issue again. I had a relationship also that lasted for 2 years, and within those years of being a couple she met a guy whom I thought was her best friend. But little did I know, they've been together for a year and a half. We tried to fix it everytime we broke up. Until one day, it happened again and we never got back together.

I always got teased for being a lesbian in our house because of my attires. But you know what, I tried to explain that I am not a lesbian, rather I am a bisexual. Only my 2 cousins know about my sexuality. They knew who I was. They also knew about the relationships that I had. To make it short, I've been into a fling with a girl and a boy. I was afraid of a commitment so I never entered a relationship again. Not until I met a girl in my college. She was a blessing. But we never lasted.

The first person I can bring to our house without any excuses. She was being loved like she's more granddaughter than me. It was hard for me to tell them about my sexuality. But they are teasing me where that person is. They always look for her. I wasn't able to tell them who she really was. But I was shocked when my tita asked me, "Where is your girlfriend?" then my cousins will reply, "They broke up already." So they knew all along? But I never stated yet about who is the real me. Right now, I am not attracted to any person. I entertained people but got bored and ghosted them. Especially when someone tries to confess. I am losing my interest then. People were still confused also with who I am.

Maybe some would disagree. Some will accept you for who you are. It's just that I am still not ready for criticism. That's why only a few of my friends know that I can be attracted to both genders. I am just thankful that I have friends who never judge me. For now, I'll be happy on my own. I don't want to get hurt nor hurt other people. Respect who I am and I will respect you too. I am still hesitant to join the Pride march or any activities that involve LGBTQ. Maybe when I am ready and I hope when that time comes, I will be accepted with my mother and brother. And I hope when that time comes, our bond will be fixed.

Just remember, no matter who you are, don't lose respect to yourself and to other people.